Hero Words.

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;
I'm on your side.
when times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down..
Sail on silver(guy),
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine...
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

???

What does the word "Holy" really mean?

I feel like all my associations are incorrect: the only thing that really comes close in my understanding is "clean" or "special" or "socially unacceptable" as in- don't stand there, walk there, touch that- you'll be frowned upon (like churches, historical monuments, etc...) or a phrase, "Holy Bathwater Batman!"...

I don't think that's what Holy means.

I was reading the whole Moses burning bush thing where God tells Moses to take off his sandals b/c he is standing on "Holy ground".

What does that mean?

Especially during Advent, as we grapple with a Holy God descending to be a baby, but still existing in perfection- still being "Holy"- where you can touch the robe of his Holy garment and be healed...

What does that mean?

I feel like I have daily examples of what it is NOT, but this word Holy can't simply mean "the opposite of sin", it is a SOMETHING...

"Holy"... huh.

MOVIE Reviews

I thought I'd help you out- what do you spend your $10 on at the theater? As it happens, I've been seeing some movies lately and here's what I think...

1) I Am Legend
Great movie and worth seeing in a theater. I saw the first midnight showing with friends and the audience's energy was great. Shorter on plot and slower than "28 days later" (Not to mention I'm rather sad Cillian Murphy wasn't in this one), but thick with emotion. And I liked the Bob Marley tie in. I still don't know how I feel about these zombies- I think I'm anti-CGI currently... which leads me to...

2) Beowolf
DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Stay home and watch someone play a video game. Same thing. Totally needless gore that made me feel weird well into the day after I saw the movie.
Note to moviemakers- unless you are bringing something AMAZING to the table- lay off re-making the classics. Obviously the story has lasted this long in its form- do you really need to create this whole she-demon plot line? Boo.

3) Enchanted
Well, I liked it- I thought it was cute and good at reminding every woman why she's beautiful and that love is possible. However, I don't know the characters really made up their minds about what love should look like (a fairytale or "our world") by the end, and I feel like Disney was trying to just please people. I'm not going to recommend you see this- but if you happen to be babysitting and the kids want to watch this, it's not terrible.

4) Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
I liked it. There were a lot of questions I had afterwards, but I don't think there's a lot of movies with well-developed plots this season. It's like summer movies were wrapped in a magical, imaginative package and labeled "Christmas, if you can".
Ok, back to the movie. I thought it was well acted, it served it's inspirational purpose and the kids liked it. I mostly liked the titles and credits and the sock monkey that broke my heart.
See it for a holiday movie- otherwise wait for it on DVD.

5)Hitman
Good. Granted I love movies like this. Thin on plot line (see above before I rant again), but definitely enjoyable. Brutal, cold, calculating, strong, peaceful ala Keanu Reeves leadman really made it worthwhile.
I prefer watching action movies in the theater but if you are none-the-wiser, wait for DVD.

6)Fred Claus
Yes I saw it- with family after a tree lighting ceremony. It was funny and light, but it had the cheesy-ultimate-christmas-ending ending, which made me wish Wayne and Garth were around to take me through at least two other additional endings.
I'd say, watch if for Christmas on DVD next year or see it on Christmas Day.

Well that's 6. That's like I just saved you $60, really.

Here's what I'm spending money on next:

"Juno"
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/juno/

and "Nightmare Before Christmas" in 3D.

Favorite Poems Today

Thought I'd share- hopefully you've heard the readings...
I've been in a very melancholy, dark mood all week. And these and dancing has been the only thing making me light.

(This one is dedicated to Adam and Danny- remembering a certain ocean suicide I wished for and never got a few years ago...)

The Ocean Doesn't Want Me Today
By Tom Waits

The ocean doesnt want me today
But Ill be back tomorrow to play
And the strangles will take me
Down deep in their brine
The mischievous braingels
Down into the endless blue wine
Ill open my head and let out
All of my time
Id love to go drowning
And to stay and to stay
But the ocean doesnt want me today
Ill go in up to here
It cant possibly hurt
All they will find is my beer
And my shirt
A rip tide is raging
And the life guard is away
But the ocean doesnt want me today
The ocean doesnt want me today

(This one is dedicated to Tim and our soaring Wings of Desire... and maybe Skippy too, since I can't seperate Skippy from Circuses- for which I will forever be simultaneously grateful and irritated... and to the word "spittle")

Circus
By Tom Waits

We put up our tent on a dark
Green knoll, outside of town by
The train tracks and a seagull dump
Topping the bill was Horse Face Ethel
And her 'Marvellous Pigs In Satin'

We pounded our stakes in the ground
All powder brown
And the branches spread like scary
Fingers reaching
We were in a pasture outside Kankakee

And One Eyed Myra, the queen of
The galley who trained the
Ostrich and the camels
She looked at me squinty with her
One good eye in a Roy Orbison
T-shirt as she bottle fed
An orangutan named Tripod

And then there was
Yodeling Elaine the
Queen of the air who wore a
Dollar sign medallion and she
Had a tiny bubble of spittle
Around her nostril and a
Little rusty tear, for she had
Lassoed and lost another
Tipsy sailor

And over in
The burnt yellow tent
By the frozen tractor, the
Music was like electric sugar
And Zuzu Bolin played
'Stavin' Chain' and Mighty
Tiny on the saw and he
Threw his head back with a
Mouth full of gold teeth
And they played 'Lopsided heart'
And 'Moon over Dog Street'

And by the time they played "Moanin Low"
I was soakin' wet and wild eyed
And Doctor Bliss slipped me a
Preparation and I fell asleep with
'Livery Stable Blues' in my ear

And me and Molley Hoey drank
Pruno and Koolaid and she had a
Tattoo gun made out of a cassette
Motor and a guitar string and
She soaked a hanky in 3 Roses
And rubbed it on the spot
And drew a rickety heart and
A bent arrow and it hurt like hell

And Funeral Wells spun
Poodle Murphy on the target
As he threw his hardware,
Only once in Sheboygan did he miss
At a matinee on Diamond Pier and
She'd never let him forget it

They were doing two shows and she
Had a high fever and he took
Off a piece of her ear and
Tip Little told her she should
Leave the bum
But Poodle said, "He fetched me
Last time I run."
But I'd like to hammer this ring into a bullet
And I wish I had some whiskey and a gun
My dear

And I wish I had some whiskey and a gun
My dear

Dancer Seeking Audience

I am in a Christmas Musical- not the organized kind, but the variety show "ya never know what you're gonna get" kind.

We're performing in a decorated gym and the money all goes to local schools...

And we've sold out- to amazing, energetic crowds!

I wake up feeling geriatric, not sure if I should get out of bed or not. I am beyond feeling sore- the soreness has seeped into a creaking in my bones- especially my hips. It makes me feel way less sexy and young than I appear to be while dancing.

I also am bummy during the day but feel AMAZING and high while dancing. I'm gonna need some balance STAT!

Last night I was asked to be involved in this year's Spring musical- last year they did "Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".

I guess I need to find out what they mean by "Spring"- because I'm already producing the "Compassion Unleashed"-now national- Conference in May.

Some may wonder why I do so much- is it ambition? the inability to say "no"? too intense? But I think that all those responses miss something major- I am having fun and I am exploring many artistic mediums- not just the ones that benefit them.

I express something different when in each medium: When I dance, I express my fun, silly, and girly side and soak in the audiences energy. When I act, I express my imagination, explore situations and recall sensations from my body. When I paint- I express connection between ideas floating around in my head within a peaceful immediacy. When I direct, I express love and trying to bring out the best in someone. When I produce, I express power and my ability to perfect, organize and create with a big vision. When I make music, I express raw emotions, hidden parts of my heart, and connect them with the hearts of others. When I write, I release my inner world, a little.

So, as you can see- I'm not really a people pleaser. I'm actually quite narcissitic. But a dancer cannot survive without her audience- and I love them for it.

Bag Lady

Lately I feel like my life is lived in bags.
Shopping Bags, Travel Bags, Plastic Bags...
Each bag has been transporting one area of my life to another-
Here is a present,
Here's your required appetizer,
Here's my dance shoes,
Here's my costume,
Here's my make-up...
Here I am in a bag...
One day I'll be transported in a body bag and forgotten beneath the Earth's surface.
Transitory Bag Lady.

What's in a word?

My Mom swears my first word was "Sauvignon"...

...and my sister Angela's was "Rollercoaster".

She also says I was the only one of her four children that had an imaginary friend.

...WINE drinking imaginary friend...

Blaze!

Today I went on a walk to the liquor store to see if I could stomach my minds ambition, and I kid you not, I saw a tree that looked like it was on fire but in leaf form!

I met this guy at Matt Patterson's Halloween party that told me that trees worship the sun, their life-giving force, and teach us how we are to worship God. Their leaves follow the sun as it moves through the day, reaching towards the sun (I think that's actually certain types of flowers, but I wasn't about to stop his theorizing). Then in the fall, they turn the color of flames to reflect the sun, reminding us of purification, self-sacrifice and the cycles of death. In the winter they are colorless, leafless, mourning the loss of the sun, and in the spring they jump back to life and are re-born. The tree cannot live without the sun and, is trying to mimic it.

As I listened to it, I thought, "uh huh, definitely in the Bay Area. Thank you hippie Mister". But something resonated with me that I couldn't put my finger on until I saw this flaming tree today of oranges and reds and yellows. I put a fallen leaf in my purse hoping that next time I go searching in my purse for something on a grey and dreary day, I'll find a little bit of color again.

It is amazing how even the smallest amount of rain changes the way I see color, especially reds and greens. Have you ever watched a person with red hair as they walked outside on a grey day? I kid you not, their head stands out and makes the world a better place! I always swear I am going to re-dye my hair red when it rains and instead I end up watching "Moulin Rouge" or humming something from "The Little Mermaid".

I am thankful for something warm and color-infused in the middle of a murky grey. I have never been a great fan of grey. I know it's supposed to say "sophisticated" and "foundational" but to me is says "lethargy" and "dull".

I guess, what I am trying to say poorly is this- you never know what lies beneath the surface of a grey day. Although you might be particularly gloomy, someone else might be on a walk for the first time post-food poisoning discovering a flame-like tree, humming "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" and trying not to slip on a big grease puddle.

And that my friends is something you can put in your "Chicken Soup for the Soul" pipe and smoke!

Target's Cheese Pizza: NOT Your Friend!!!

Now, it may not come as a surprise to some that eating a personal cheese pizza from Target's "Pizza Hut" is asking for trouble... However, in my delirium of shopping, I decided to listen to my very cranky stomach at nearly 10pm and partook of such a pizza.

I should have thought twice about the fact that someone else had vomited in the Target bathroom. I should have thought thrice when the girl traded out my pizza box with another saying, "uh, here. This one's more fresh". Oh, but my stomach was not to be stopped! It would not listen to my brain shouting, "you don't even LIKE cheese!" No, it set it's rumblings about that little box of cardboard and would have no other.
What it didn't know is what really laid inside was a large amount of bacteria lovingly placed inside a gooey, round shaped facade.

Just look at this ad and tell me, would your stomach be fooled?!?

This ad is RIGHT! While some pizza companies might want to lay off adding bacteria to their personal pan pizzas, Pizza Hut refuses to cut corners!

That's right my lovely readers, I ended up with the WORSE case of food poisoning I have EVER had in my life!!!

At some point yesterday, when I was trying to figure out how to get out my predicament, I landed on Web MD's article on "Recognizing Food Poisoning"as well as a few other web articles. Not only did I have every single one of the symptoms (except for the ones for "Botulism", thank the good Lord above), I found them to be quite incomplete in their descriptions. So I thought it only fair to "talk shop" with you all and share my new knowledge...

"Food poisoning is a common, yet distressing and sometimes life-threatening problem for millions of people in the U.S., and throughout the world. People infected with foodborne organisms may be symptom-free or may have symptoms ranging from mild intestinal discomfort to severe dehydration and bloody diarrhea. Depending on the type of infection, people can even die as a result of food poisoning.
More than 250 different diseases can cause food poisoning. Some of the most common diseases are infections caused by bacteria, such as Campylobacter, Salmonella, Shigella, E. coli O157:H7, Listeria, and botulism." (Thanks WebMD!)

(Basically, it's a very wordy way of saying "Expect to feel like you've been flushed down the toilet... A FEW TIMES!")

And now... a drum roll for the symptoms...

• Acute Vomiting
  
• Acute Diarrhea

Basically "acute" is a nice way of saying expect a large stick of dynamite to be implanted into your stomach and not know which way it's going to explode- if you're lucky, expect it to go off at the same time! Yay!

• Abdominal Pain and Cramping

OK, now, being a lady, I am no stranger to the abdominal pain and cramping... let me tell you, this was NOT it! This felt like open wounds inside my body and my abdominal muscles were convulsing in a major temper tantrum!

• Nausea

I think this means "sick to your stomach". Uh, pretty sure the acute vomiting and diarrhea and abdominal pain and cramping had this one covered... nausea... sheesh!

• Fever and Chills

Imagine your worst day having the flu- the sweating, the shaking, the seeing weird things that aren't there- on top of all these other symptoms. Oh yeah, that was a blast. I had my face up against my open window and was surrounded in a million blankets.

• Malaise (what they in the medical profession define as "general uneasiness")

OK, now this might at first glance seem like a no brainer. But let me tell you what lie beneath the whole malaise surface... a restlessness that cannot be quenched. When you've thrown up for the SIXTH time, rest is your friend- but I could NOT lay still! I swear to you that my SKIN hurt!

• Headaches

Once the majority of the Acute Vomiting and Diarrhea had subsided, I realized I had had a headache the whole time. Isn't that weird? One of the ones on the top and sides of the head, like someone had been scrunching it for the last 24 hours. Probably fever related.




Now, here's what the medical professionals in their weird, impersonal way left out. If you have food poisoning, you can expect the following:

• Standing up WILL make you throw up again. I tried to walk halfway down the driveway (we're talking less than 50 yards) to meet my step-mom holding a bag of grocery goodies for me and after her heart-felt welcome of "Don't we look lovely" (followed by my groan and her hugging me and saying) "poor baby", I had to say, "uh, thanks, I gotta go..." ... run to the bathroom and throw up for the millionth time!


• Drinking water is a BAD idea (expect to see that again in about 5 minutes).


• Eating more than half a Popsicle is straight out (although it adds color to a rather unpleasant situation, so, for the aesthetically minded, maybe this may offer a humorous small relief).


• In fact drinking more than about a tablespoons worth of bright blue powerade or pedialite is not possible (both would make you want to vomit under any other circumstances, but today, they are your best friends!).


• Your family, regardless of any post-Thanksgiving tiffs, are truly your best friends!


• You will smell, your house will smell, everything smells, because vomit is coming out of your nose!


• If you have OCD, you also have my sympathy! I literally had a swarm of small fruit flies circling around my body at one point. I totally felt like Pig Pen! THIS IS NORMAL! Just try to embrace the disgusting- I tried taking a shower, because I couldn't handle it anymore, and that completely backfired!


• If you can't eat food yet, you really shouldn't be thinking about going back to work. This is a tough one for me, but important! Do you really want that gurgling stomach and intestine to stay gurgling all week?


• And, most importantly, call the health department and the manager of the store! If you can sit up, you're getting back the fight in you!!! =)

So, from all my research, it appears that the cheese in my pizza was not properly pasteurized. Someone phone Louis Pasteur!!! STAT!

The moral of my story is this: Target's Pizza Hut Personal Cheese Pizza- NOT your friend!!!

The sub-moral might be this: Vegan, it really IS better for your health!

Beautiful Day: A reflection

At some point in this mad naive agreement to film the MANY events for Beautiful Day ( I thought the 12 projects were for the YEAR not in A SINGLE DAY!!!), my role shifted from filmmaker (controlled, experienced, professional) to listener.
I feel like I learned so much that will take me a while to sort out that the experience actually feeled a bit like film school all over again... (everyone worked for free, equiptment was donated, locations were free, people didn't care about contracts, amatuer actors/characters, and ::gasp:: I didn't even need a single permit this whole shoot! And, of course, I worked a million hours for free... and spent the night in an editing bay... grr...)
Anyways, back to the part about being a listener... people STILL are pouring their stories down my ears! The part that surprises me most about this is that I'm not sick of it- not tired. In fact I just feel my heart expanding. It's like I didn't know I had the love let alone the energy to hear what's going on with that person until they are in front of my face and the Spirit slowly opens up my ears and heart.
There have been incredible stories. Some now documented, others that I still need to follow up on, but I thought I'd share some of them from each project and unload my brain a bit- please feel free to help me process thru these!

Beautiful Bounty-
The two stories that stick out the most:
1) Jim called the family he was "adopting" to ask them what they would like for Thanksgiving dinner. They said, "actually we need soap, laundry detergent... could you bring that instead?" (Have you been there? I have. ) So Jim put together something awesome and went to deliver it. His adopted family was loading their cars full of personal belongings to sell at a Flea Market b/c they were going to be evicted in 3 days. Jim and his wife prayed about it and decided to take their money from their month's Impact budget (church offering- pre-commited) and gave it to the family. It was enough to help them stay until January, and we just heard yesterday that one of the people in the family got a job and starts in January. The timing was perfect! And all because Jim responded to the needs he saw and not what the project required.
(I have TONS of stories like this in my head... and no emotional vent yet... I think it's time for me to paint for a while...)
2) Valerie, the project leader, went thru this total transformation. She was trying to control the event and balance the number in need with the number of volunteers. She would panic and try to cling onto the project. This was unsuccessful and detrimental to the project. So, she decided she would surrender it to God and, in faith, move forward... and she was given absolutely everything she needed, each time. I am STILL getting the small stories that make up this overarching theme. Faith means letting go, yet still moving forward... I was learning that, but I felt like maybe I still have a lot more to learn about trusting other people, especially when they aren't in a union, aren't professionals and I've never really seen their work!

Blood Drive
The pastor couldn't give blood b/c he had just gotten back from scoping out Africa- checking out where we as a church should serve. The problems of Africa are monumental and the leadership didn't want to just sign up with what was already available- we wanted to scope it out and see where the need reall was.
He apparently went to a small village in Zambia on the blood drive "no go" list... I might go on that trip, if it doesn't conflict with the Compassion Unleashed Conference. Anyways, he had just gotten back, and he was there.
There were lots of other AMAZING stories of people who were serving in major other ways that showed up to give blood in spite of it.
I felt guilty I didn't give. Plus I've always wanted to know my blood type for real. But, in retrospect, I don't think I would have gotten thru all those locations, a blind date, a night of capturing, a morning of shooting, a day of editing, and a screening, if I'd given blood. I barely made it thru with all my veins had to give!

Car Clinic & Day Spa
My heart really goes out to single moms. There's probably a lot to unpack there, but for whatever reason, this event to take care of widows, single moms and wives of military personel really hit my heart. I think a lot of that was the filmming.
Mike Mahaffie and I went to this one single mom's house. This woman was a MESS- her boyfriend, the father of the child, just died in February. So, in many ways she was both a single mom and a widow now. She was living with her mom who was overbearing. Her mom had also been a single mom. I can't help but still feel for the little child, Shashanna. There was this one moment when were shooting in emotional chaos where Shahanna started playing with Shaggy and Scooby Doo on the table. We filmmed it and it was the calm in the eye of the storm. It's like, no matter what happens, kids still play out what is not available in the room- they are saved by play. I felt like Mike, Shashanna and i really bonded in that moment. Well, maybe Mike and I bonded more in the editing suite and shooting with less that 5 hours of sleep in 3 days... If the Turtles were there they'd sing, "so delirous together..."
So, I really felt for this woman, and the truth is, I don't think the car clinic and day spa made that much of a difference. I feel like it opened up a door to connect with women and form the relationships they so need, but if the church doesn't follow up until next years car clinic and day spa, i think we missed something important.

I need to take a break from the computer and get coffee. It IS 11:33am afterall...
This is only the tip of the iceberg.
More to come...

But can I just say I love the Red Paintings? http://www.theredpaintings.com/

Thanksgiving Check UP

So Thanksgiving was yesterday, if you didn't notice.
And with Thanksgiving comes this slew of thoughts for me...

Thoughts like:

Why is this the grossest holiday created?

Think about it- the day that celebrates gluttony, followed by the day that celebrates consumerism and overspending (Hmmm... Credit Card debt with a side of "maybe mom will like this... maybe?"). , followed by murder a tree day, followed by Pray-to-Jesus-for-forgiveness for your stupid weekend-Day...

Why?

Why hang onto dumb traditions- I rarely have fun with my family on these kinds of occassions. I find that weird- I have fun with them the day before and the day after- but holidays feel formal in the not so fun way. I end up feeling bored and resentful, quiet and in my own Trina Universe where people don't ask you if you eat "Tofurkey" because they think they're funny and clever when really they're just ignorant and picking on you b/c they don't want to be there either!

Seriously...
Why is it fun to stare at a stuffed bird's ass?
Why is it fun to eat your brains out then sit for a long time, sleepy, with the people that know how to annoy you the most?

Thanksgiving's boring and I can't figure out how...

"stuffing yourself" = "Thankfulness".

WHY NOT> have a hotel room bash with friends? Play music? Stay home and make art? Go see a movie before everyone else does? Skip the dinner dulldrums and go hiking with your fam? Repaint your toe nails?

Seriously, I'm not so much a fan of what holidays have become.

I like Halloween. You get to dress up and go dancing.

I used to L.O.V.E!!! Christmas! I would create dramas, dances and poetry for my (obedient) siblings and I to perform for the family. We'd dress up in pretty dresses and go to the Four Seasons and twirl like princesses! There was a mystery then, a tangible sense of magic. I'd like that back, thank you very much...

I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I prefer to show people I'm thankful for them often and buy them things as I think of them b/c you never know when you're gonna die or THEY'RE gonna die and you can say those things anymore... so I get pissed off at all this pre-fabricated holiday B.S. that was primarily created to help companies stay in business during the cold winter months...

Holidays are almost always the most lonely days of the year. I don't get that either. I can be in a room full of 30 people- people I love, people I want to hang with, and I'll still be stuck in this intense longing.

Sum up, Trina, Sum up...

I guess I'd rather be filled with contentment than Turkey on Thanksgiving.

Warrior Princess #1

“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”-Joan of Arc

Woody Allen Makes Me Giggle...

I sometimes think it's no coincidence that Dianne Keaton and I share the same birthday...
other times I think, man, if only I'd stayed in there longer, I could've shared my birthday with Elvis!
But, say-la-WEEE!!!!

Here's some quotes to keep you giggling:

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

Letter to No One #1

I wake up in a cold sweat
Dreaming of memories never created
I still feel your skin
Surrounding my skin
I still feel your whispers
Crawling down my neck
I still feel two minds
Touching each other

Was it ever safe to open the eye of my soul?

I feel you steady beside me
But I'm waiting for you to bolt.
We travelled to so many worlds
And survived the planet Earth together
Without barely moving at all.

I've said goodbye so many times
And "I hate you's" become a lullaby
But when my eyes close
And my body surrenders to:

The truth of a heart still beating
The electricity of a brain still pulsing
The gentleness of a spirit still singing

I find you there.

AND I: Wake Up.
AND I: Shower off the memories.
AND I: Start another painful day without you.

Today's Fortune Cookie Says...

"Wine should be taken in small doses,

knowledge in large ones."

Pretty ironic since I'm supposed to be off alcohol & caffeine (grr) and done with my Theology class by tomorrow.
Good thing Theology classes give you 10 day extensions!
We'll see what my caffeine jitters have to say tomorrow morning!
Maybe they'll say, "let's have tea".
My "prize" for finishing Theology class will be getting to read the final Harry Potter book... also kinda ironic, I guess.

Hmm... Here's yet another good reason to be a veggie!

I wanted to celebrate my TWENTIETH blog by posting this hilarious fact about cows!

"Producing one kilo of beef generates more CO2 than a three-hour drive while all the lights are left on at home, a new Japanese study concludes."

So, it's okay to drive and leave your lights on if you're a vegetarian?!?

Or grind beef with your teeth if you ride your bike everywhere and use candles and hand fans?!?

Global Cool has such good ideas!
(For those of you who do not know about "Global Cool", it is a global warming non-profit formed by scientists and celebrities... & most notably by Orlando Bloom.)

You can read the WHOLE article here:
http://www.globalcool.org/en/2007/07/20/beefing-up-the-atmosphere/

Happy chomping!

Atoms for Peace

I heard this song on the way back from LA.

I am posting it in dedication to the people I love and am leaving behind...



"No more going to the dark side

with your flying saucer eyes



No more falling down a wormhole

that I have to pull you out



The wriggling, squiggling worm inside

Devours from the inside out



No more talk about the old days

It's time for something great



I want you to get out

And make it work

So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms



Peel all of your layers off

I want to eat your artichoke heart



No more leaky holes in your brain

And no false starts



I wanna get out

And make it work

So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms



I wanna get out

And make it work



I want you to get out

And make it work



I'll be ok



So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms"



(Thank you Thom Yorke!!!)

I'm in LA today...

"This is the foreign land
With the Spray-on Tan
...And it all feels 'fine'"
-The Shins

My wandering mind:
****************************************************
The land of smokey grayness
Not from fog or magic or steam
A mute button over the colors of the earth
So you'd better look more pretty
more shiny
more something...
who are you today, pretty one?
what will you say and how will you smile tonight?
I dub thee "Botox Squeeky Red Nose BOBO"
*****************************************************
I can recall the names of wounds by exits off the freeways.
Drive on
Further
Move away
Further
The prickles of the 210
The crushing of the 110
The lost dream and lingering false hopes of the 134.
And then there's "home"
Off the Azusa blvd exit.
The only exit of peace.
And the only one I should drive on past.
***********************************************
People are exhausted here.
There's no color, so you have to provide it.
There's no escaping traffic, so you sit in glazed eyed numbness
Or you pull off and wait, in your car, til you can go home and rest.
Put off rest another hour.
MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!
There's still some things I love about here.
I have crazy fun times.
But there's little place to land,
and no one can stay put in one place long enough to land with.
The mantra of this town is:
"What do you do? & How can I use you?"
I just want to make them all a cup of hot chocolate and tell them they are still beautiful.
I want to curl them up in a blanket by the licking flame fire and let them be at peace.
You are you. Let God fill in the colors.
*********************************************************************************
I saw a rainbow in the clouds on the trip up over a long stretch of nowhere.
A promising banner, that nowhere is still somewhere in the heart of it's Creator.
I am still somewhere.
He makes everything beautiful.

INSPI(RED) to plead GUILTY

So, the woman who robbed me in Mariposa (see other post) has finally plead guilty.
She was wearing my shirt in prison, the one that says "INSPI(RED)".
SOoooooooo hilarious!!!
The district attorney sent me a picture to identify my "property". Since the evidence of her WEARING MY SHIRT IN PRISON was overwhelming, she has finally plead guilty.
She's getting four years of felony probation, rehab and 6 months jail time. One other little drunk in public or drop-kicking of her child in public and she's off to felony prison for four years.
Sucks.
But if the truth's not working, the Product (RED) shirt will set you free...
HA! I'm a dork!

Spinning

Tonight, my head is spinning...



Closer to my heart's desire

And further from MY plans.



I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!



But thank you just the same...

Replacing the cynic,

standing on her head so long

she doesn't know which way is up,



Or down...



...mostly down.



With a hope that cuts my heart open and spills it on the floor

for all to see

in a sleepy starbucks

(A caffeinated, comatose called consumerism)

I heard the 5 best stories of my life

and I wonder if I am alive.



I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!



You heard my heart?!?

All along? You listened?



You LISTENED?!?



Break dancers alongside 4 piece string quartets?

Graffiti next to the hand smeared portrait of you?



YOU LET US BACK IN!?!



When did you start loving artists again?

Even I was beginning to lose faith...



Stop it! You're rescuing me?



I hope if you crush my heart, it's still safe.

I hope if I hear you sing, I can still shout and scream!



I hope you hold me-and hold me-and hold me...



(I can't breathe.)



I hope I'm not a mediocre disappointment...

I hope I remember how to praise you.

It's the only thing I wanted all along...

Adventures in Campbell

Shannon and I were driving home from Santana Row. We had exchanged my chipped and poop-colored squircle plates (deceptively labeled as "espresso") that I had ordered online at Urban Outfitters. I had already eaten my "Jamaica Me Crazy" Sorbet in the sprinkle covered cone from Ben and Jerry's... What are two 20-somethings supposed to do in Yuppy-ville on a Friday night?

So, Shannon asks me: What do we do now?
Me: I wonder if you can climb the water tower in Campbell!
Shannon: They have a water tower in Campbell?
Me: Yeah, it's how you know you're in Campbell.

We drove and got lost and found the water tower, because we are monkeys on the inside. Sadly, there were long metal sheets covering the places you could crawl up the legs of the tower. So, we started semi-crawling on the cables. I mean, we're there, right?

A man on a bike drove by in the dark, a passing shadow, and shouted:
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Shannon: I think there's a cop.
AND
Shannon (to the guy): Do what?
I laughed.

Sure enough, this white, slightly overweight in that surburbian-kind-of-way, cop gets out of his clever jeep-turned- enforcement vehicle.

Cop: What are you guys doin?
Shannon: Oh, we thought we could climb to the top. But then we found out we couldn't.
Me: Yeah. It's one of those legendary things you always think about: Can you climb to the top of Campbell Tower? Now we know we can't.
Cop: Have you ladies been drinking?
Us: (laughing) No.
Shannon: But you can test us if you want to .
Me: (looking up) It looks a lot bigger from far away doesn't it?
Cop: What would you have done if you got to the top?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I guess you can't even really walk around up there, can you?
Cop: Actually they have a cat walk around the container.
Shannon: Oh, can people go up there sometimes?
Cop: No.
Me: Well, I guess we'll just go swing on those swings over there, since this is kind of a let-down. It was a passing whimsy.

Shannon's turn to laugh.

Cop: Well you guys be careful.
Us: Okay.

The cop gets back in his car.

Shannon (to the jeep-turned-enforcement-vehicle): We won't try to kill ourselves.
Me (in my mind): Oh, he thought we were gonna commit suicide?
Me (Out loud): And we won't set off fireworks and burn down your beautiful Campbell.

We swang on the swings and talked. All I could think about was what a stupid death jumping off of Campbell's water tower would be. I mean, how undramatic!

For "Le Dan Man"

ME:

"I just want to get thru life without having to say, 'This is my husband. We met on eHarmony.com'".

=P

I Miss: *

The bats under the eaves
Busily keeping the night in motion.
(I'M ALIVE!)
The cats meowing at my door
To cuddle and purr and scratch.
(LET ME IN!)
The dancing fires licking the air
Feeding my soul, my heart, my mind
(I CREATE!)
The crawling fluffy moss roof
So safe, yellow green, so safe!
(PROTECT ME!)
The song, the dance of the creek
Always feeding, nurturing, helping.
(I'M HEALING!)
The turtle, the toad on the rock
Lying lazy in the sun.
(I AM NOT ALONE!)
The tall daisies, the little purple flowers
Lining the wild grasses.
(YOU CANNON CONTAIN ME!)
The trees, Oh God, THE TREES!
Oh ancient new, you hold much wisdom!
(HELP ME GROW!)

*You cannot tie what I love with a bow; What I miss is wild.

Boodah

I'd like you all to meet my new roommate... Boodah, the cutest French Mastiff EVER!!!
He and I are buds! He's only 6 months old right now and already over 80 lbs!!!
He's been winning doggy modelling contests!
He doesn't like men, including my Dad, who has to bring beef jerkey when he comes over as a peace offering.
I Luuuuuuuuuv him!!!

Moving Sucks- but I'm doing it Anyways!

I have to move AGAIN! I hate that. Rather than tell everyone individually what is going on with me, I'm posting up an email I recently sent to a dear friend, because I think it shows my heart well:

************************************************************************************
Hey Girlie! I just wanted to update you and thank you for your prayers that God would speak to my "gut"!

I had an excellent meeting with Kristin (youth group leader) the next day and, essentially, she offered to mentor me and said "I don't know where we as a church dropped the ball, but with you, it is obvious that we did".

So I have decided to move back to san jose and have found a house in willow glen with some other girls that are on the same journey, but at different places.

... I am hoping and praying God will be opening (their) hearts as we create this online community for women our age and showing them and others that the church has NOT forgotten about them, that there IS a place for them and their gifts and talents, and that the church is willing to admit they made some mistakes and wounds and is ready to be open about that shame and embrace corporate healing.

I feel that is especially what this all means to me and my relationship with Kristin in her open acknowlegement that she was teaching us some faulty things, doing the best that she could at the time, but seeing that myself and several other women of our church left or had no place and that she wants to initiate the healing process by going back to the wound and opening up dialogue about what was and is going on in the church.

(No woman my age or near my age in our church is married. Several of them have had kids and are single mothers- and have left our church. Maybe out of shame, maybe out of being ostracized. Either way, the gossip behind the back thing needs to die. UGGG-AHH-LLYYY!!!)

I am very excited about what the Lord has planned for this very vibrant age/gender group and so blessed to be apart of the conversation. Obviously, corporate confession is not something that has been traditionally easy for the ana-baptist sector of Protestantism. I know it will be difficult and will mean I will have to go to the wound, and be open about my experiences- shame and all. But I know that it is necessary, not only to help others and pour the gifts of comfort that Christ is giving me into them, but also for my own healing and development and for that of my family (and their relationship with "church").

I have always been very passionate about women, especially the single women and how the church has neglected to acknowlege them. I just think it is amazing that God would lead Kristin to a place where she would be open to talking about this.

I am also looking forward to being mentored by her, as she addressed the positive aspects of being a strong woman and I think she will help me shape the use of that gift, rather than use it to control and manipulate, but to be sensitive and use it to develop and nurture others and love them.

She confirmed several things that people have been saying to me lately- one of which that I'm running. I guess this is my attempt to stop running, face the wounds and plant some roots- or at least let the roots that are already there spread a little and grow.

I know it sounds silly, but one of the reasons why I haven't moved home since college is b/c when people did, it seems they always got married and I am afraid of that. More than that- I feel like by staying put while still young, I am compromising something. But I think that by examining what it means to be a woman being used by God at this age and determining where, outside of single groups, women fit in the church will help me to become solid and steady and, hopefully work thru the desire to keep moving.

...I loved being invested in a church where my talents had use and where I could use them all. I know that was the hardest part for me when I moved away for college and I just never found a place where I could invest because everything since then has been temporary- everything but a few relationships. I feel like without my roots, I just slowly disintegrated.

***********************************************************************************
Hopefully this will help you understand why I'm moving.

You are NOT a TV.

I woke up thinking about THIS...
We are not entertainment for one another.
I think in a TV culture we forget that rather quickly.
We meet up with people expecting them to entertain us, or, to entertain them rather than engage in genuine community.
To engage in the present moment means you're going to get dirty. Love is messy. Love is even sometimes BORING! (::gasp::)
So what do we do with that? How do we genuinely say, "Hi, brother/sister/PERSON! I am hear to love you. I am here to LISTEN. But don't feel pressured to entertain me."
I think it starts with embracing the silence in a room and the lulls in conversations instead of running away from them.
I think it really starts by looking them in the eye rather than spacing out.
I think it really REALLY means we start re-imagining how we perceive the word "entertainment" and finding the balance between authenticity, without the burden of overdoing it and delving into an intensity that is too hard to maintain.
I think that when we truly love each other, moment by moment, we will find joy.

Living in the Present Moment (Partial Repost)

I am in the middle of a move, which means goodbye reality, hello every form of escape within my grasp. I'm not very good at detaching. Whether it's envisioning how to decorate my new space and make my artistic "mark", or nostalgically recalling (and sometimes regretting) the past and all these objects associated with memories, I am realizing how much bondage I am under. Seriously, do I need all these objects, these temporal things distracting me from embracing the joy of the present moment? I don't think so. And joy has been hard to find. Tears have been easier. I HATE the idea of moving. I LOVE being in the woods and are starting attach the "all-isms" you attach with a love you are moving away from- it was "always this way", I "never" did this, this "always" brought out this emotion... and, the most dangerous of them all, "I was THIS while I was here"...
Places, things, memories, imagination: these are not WHO I am. There is no place for love in an unreality.
I am reposting something I came across this morning that was a great re-focusing tool. I hope you will check it out:
http://www.ichoseyou.com/college.html

Here's a selection from it:

A sign outside a pub reads "Free beer tomorrow!" The next day the sign will be there. Do you remember hearing the phrase: "Time is flying!" Indeed, time passes relentlessly; some times we wish we had a remote control to stop or to fast-forward it.

The ancient Romans used to say: "Carpe diem", seize the day, meaning: "Don't waste it, enjoy it." In Renaissance Florence, late 1400's, a poem, loosely translated, went like this: "Oh how beautiful the time of youth is, and yet it runs away from us; he who wants to be happy, be happy because there may not be a tomorrow." "He who wants to be happy." is the refrain that goes through all the poem. Certainly this is not a Christian vision of life.

In the light of Sacred Scripture, time is seen in a quite different perspective.

In the New Testament there are numerous exhortations to live in the present: "So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mt 6,34); Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4,6); "Unload all your worries on to him, since he is looking after you (1 Pt 5,7).

...Christians in Europe who lived during World War II, when there were continual bombings and were not sure if they would be alive in the next moment, concentrated on the moment they had available at the present to love God and their neighbors.

Chiara Lubich was one of those Christians who experienced this reality when she wrote: "The Lord taught us to live the present moment in various ways. In the Gospel for instance, it is evident that we should live the present moment, because we are told to ask the Father for bread only for "this day". "Give us this day our daily bread" and we learn that "today has troubles enough of it own" (Mt. 6:34); and we are warned: "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God" (Lk. 9:62)." As a follower of Jesus Christ, we don't look back, rather with our hearts fixed in Eternity and our feet on the ground we look at this moment and we are challenged: " Your Kingdom come!"

In reading the lives of the Saints, Chiara realized that we could imitate them in the way they did the will of God in the present moment. Here is what some of them said: Catherine of Siena: "The fatigue of the past is no longer ours, because its time has gone; what is to come we do not possess, because we are not sure if its time will ever come."

Another saint from the third century was Anthony the abbot. His biography said: "He took no account of the time which had passed, but day by day, as if beginning his life as a monk for the first time, he made great efforts to advance, constantly repeating to himself Saint Paul's words: 'I forget the past and strain ahead for what is still to come' (Phil. 3:13-14).

St. Therese' of the Little Flower is another expert on how to live the present moment. She said:
"Let's take advantage of every single moment of our suffering, let's us see each instant as if there were no other. An instant is a treasure…""My life is a flash of lightning, an hour that passes, a moment that fast escapes me and is gone. My God, you know that to love you on earth I have nothing but today." Do you love Jesus in the present moment or are you distracted and thinking that someday you are going to start loving Him? "Free beer tomorrow!"

The Ugly Side of Consumerism

On Tuesday, my luggage was stolen in Mariposa by a woman named Pamela. She had a new gold Jeep that looked green, depending on the light, like aging copper. She had fastened long silver bubble wrap material rolled to the length of the vehicle.

She stole my bags, as they sat in front of an ATM machine video camera, while I walked across the street to get more stuff.

She honked and waved at me as I walked along the highway. That keeps eating away at me...

She opened my bags and threw my clothes all over her house.

She used my straightening iron and tried on my clothes.

She loaded a bag full of her stuff and put my Bible on top.

"The New Seeds of Contemplation" by Thomas Merton was less fortunate- she threw that in the washing machine next to a pair of child-sized soccer shoes.

Her four dogs used my clothes as beds, since her house had no furniture.

She drank down a small bottle of vodka I had carried with me since Cinco De Mayo. It was a purple Jimmy Hendrix bottle that was supposed to be the next big thing.

Later that day, Deputy Eric, who didn't even look twelve yet but had all the fight of an unbroken horse, received a call that someone was hitting their kid- someone with the same color Jeep.

She's in jail now, probably in my clothes.

The four sherrif's took pictures and documented the color of my underwear and where they were lying amoung her things, on the dog defecated floors, acting as furniture.

They found a bag of heroin and needles next to the sink where my straightner was still plugged in, where her hair had burned off gluing itself to the ceramic panels.

My yellow lace tank top was on the floor near the toilet. It seems she couldn't decide what to wear.

My roommate Beth said, "maybe if she hadn't drank the vodka, she never would have hit her kid and you never would have got your stuff back".

Yeah, maybe.

It's funny what we say to comfort each other.

I think the whole thing feels ugly, starting with me having too much stuff and needing to make two trips in order to cross the street.

It's strange what we do to be "beautiful".

For My Nephew...

What Calvin Dreams"

Ink and Acrylic on Canvas

3' x 2'

Hey, it's worth at LEAST Eight Bucks!

"Paper or Plastic? (how do you like your smiles?)"

Ink on Plexiglass and Paper

24 1/2" x 13 1/2"

*Comes with black pine custom frame courtesy of Colonial Woodrights.

My life doesn't seem that bad...

I met a man today that looks like Mr. Roger's (the real one's dead).
His wife is kicking him out and he has to find a new place to live. He tells me a story about how his aunt died on the toothpick that holds together your sandwich.
His glasses were nearly surrounded in red and thin, easily breakable, like his smile.
He was trying to exert his presence to all in the room, but I knew he was really just crying out for help- flirting but really wanting to be held.
I know how he feels. I've been there.
He was long and thin, but fighting not to disappear completely. It seems like an exhausting fight. I want to tell him that in the end, we all disappear completely from this mess and we go it alone with no one but God.
But I don't want to break his glass heart.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Here's one of those prayers that will change you simply by praying it:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

Brother Sun, Sister Moon

As I sit here attempting to write my first research paper in five years on the late, great St. Francis of Assisi, I can't help but wonder:

1) Why am I a mediocre stain on the sleeve of humanity?

2) Why are artists never saints?

(It appears they may live artfully like St. Francis, but hey, he's Italian so I think he gets the whole flair for drama thing automatically thrown in. That and the Church can let something like the Nativity Scene pass. But note there are no St. Da Vinci's, St. Shakespeare's, St. Mozart's or St. Michaelangelo's apart from the latter in the Lutheran church... Message? It's ok for us to PAY you to make art, but we'll never actually let you up on OUR purgatory levels. Survey says? Boo. Boo to that!)

3) I want to be a saint.

I mean, I absolutely suck, but I still would like a shot at it. Of course, that goes back to the whole "I suck" part again. Maybe artists are too aware of their sin to stand up for becomming saints!

4) I'd say the whole saint thing is arguably bogus since it appears to be set up by the "approval" of the Church, but how do you refute the stigmata? Tricky. Very tricky.

5) Mostly, I just want the COMMUNION with God that these saints have. I'm not sure how saints lived these lives, and, even more foreign, is how Christ was able to live HIS perfect life.

Guess it's back to the paper... and back to #1.

New Favorite

I found this book in a bookstore yesterday.

I think it's a really good idea...

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

He has no idea...

I think these are the best surprises...

He'll love it- that is IF I can catch up with him in these dagnamit mountains before I move or he moves...

I loathe change.

I'm still deciding on the title.

Either "Jakey" or "When the Mirror Lies".

Mixed Medium on wood. Around 2'x2'. (I don't really feel like measuring.)

I guess I'll come out of my "cave" now and hang out with the real world. It gets kinda lonely in the cave and I get sick of myself- sick of my whining. But I have to stay in the "cave" til I figure out what I'm whining about...

This time? I think I'm scared to move. I know what it's like to be lonely here- in the same state as people who love you, know you, share your history. Nashville's an unknown lonely.

I've decided I'm pretty self-absorbed and demanding and I hate me this week. I'm scared I'll be left, which is pretty ironic when it's me doing the leaving- leaving LA, leaving friendships, leaving family, leaving pretty Yosemite nature- all in the name of Individualism. Or is it just that I have my identity wrapped up in other people and what they think of me that I am panicking about what will I do when they are gone?

I hope I go through this for a higher calling. I saw "Amazing Grace" last night and it confirmed the loneliness in the calling. The Bible talks a lot about persecution but I think that modern day persecution looks a little bit more like missing your friends and ex-lovers. Of course the worst is when you miss "them" (or what you have created these to be in your mind) when you are standing right in front of the actual them. Mostly, I feel screwed up and little on the melancholy side. It's easy for me to give people lots of room for grace- for me, I fear it's the standard of perfection, or I doom myself to the simple label of "lame".

The most important thing when coming out of the "cave" is to find balance again.

Where are you, Balance?

I feel safer with a paint brush...