Tonight, my head is spinning...
Closer to my heart's desire
And further from MY plans.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
But thank you just the same...
Replacing the cynic,
standing on her head so long
she doesn't know which way is up,
Or down...
...mostly down.
With a hope that cuts my heart open and spills it on the floor
for all to see
in a sleepy starbucks
(A caffeinated, comatose called consumerism)
I heard the 5 best stories of my life
and I wonder if I am alive.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
You heard my heart?!?
All along? You listened?
You LISTENED?!?
Break dancers alongside 4 piece string quartets?
Graffiti next to the hand smeared portrait of you?
YOU LET US BACK IN!?!
When did you start loving artists again?
Even I was beginning to lose faith...
Stop it! You're rescuing me?
I hope if you crush my heart, it's still safe.
I hope if I hear you sing, I can still shout and scream!
I hope you hold me-and hold me-and hold me...
(I can't breathe.)
I hope I'm not a mediocre disappointment...
I hope I remember how to praise you.
It's the only thing I wanted all along...
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Adventures in Campbell
Shannon and I were driving home from Santana Row. We had exchanged my chipped and poop-colored squircle plates (deceptively labeled as "espresso") that I had ordered online at Urban Outfitters. I had already eaten my "Jamaica Me Crazy" Sorbet in the sprinkle covered cone from Ben and Jerry's... What are two 20-somethings supposed to do in Yuppy-ville on a Friday night?
So, Shannon asks me: What do we do now?
Me: I wonder if you can climb the water tower in Campbell!
Shannon: They have a water tower in Campbell?
Me: Yeah, it's how you know you're in Campbell.
We drove and got lost and found the water tower, because we are monkeys on the inside. Sadly, there were long metal sheets covering the places you could crawl up the legs of the tower. So, we started semi-crawling on the cables. I mean, we're there, right?
A man on a bike drove by in the dark, a passing shadow, and shouted:
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Shannon: I think there's a cop.
AND
Shannon (to the guy): Do what?
I laughed.
Sure enough, this white, slightly overweight in that surburbian-kind-of-way, cop gets out of his clever jeep-turned- enforcement vehicle.
Cop: What are you guys doin?
Shannon: Oh, we thought we could climb to the top. But then we found out we couldn't.
Me: Yeah. It's one of those legendary things you always think about: Can you climb to the top of Campbell Tower? Now we know we can't.
Cop: Have you ladies been drinking?
Us: (laughing) No.
Shannon: But you can test us if you want to .
Me: (looking up) It looks a lot bigger from far away doesn't it?
Cop: What would you have done if you got to the top?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I guess you can't even really walk around up there, can you?
Cop: Actually they have a cat walk around the container.
Shannon: Oh, can people go up there sometimes?
Cop: No.
Me: Well, I guess we'll just go swing on those swings over there, since this is kind of a let-down. It was a passing whimsy.
Shannon's turn to laugh.
Cop: Well you guys be careful.
Us: Okay.
The cop gets back in his car.
Shannon (to the jeep-turned-enforcement-vehicle): We won't try to kill ourselves.
Me (in my mind): Oh, he thought we were gonna commit suicide?
Me (Out loud): And we won't set off fireworks and burn down your beautiful Campbell.
We swang on the swings and talked. All I could think about was what a stupid death jumping off of Campbell's water tower would be. I mean, how undramatic!
So, Shannon asks me: What do we do now?
Me: I wonder if you can climb the water tower in Campbell!
Shannon: They have a water tower in Campbell?
Me: Yeah, it's how you know you're in Campbell.
We drove and got lost and found the water tower, because we are monkeys on the inside. Sadly, there were long metal sheets covering the places you could crawl up the legs of the tower. So, we started semi-crawling on the cables. I mean, we're there, right?
A man on a bike drove by in the dark, a passing shadow, and shouted:
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Shannon: I think there's a cop.
AND
Shannon (to the guy): Do what?
I laughed.
Sure enough, this white, slightly overweight in that surburbian-kind-of-way, cop gets out of his clever jeep-turned- enforcement vehicle.
Cop: What are you guys doin?
Shannon: Oh, we thought we could climb to the top. But then we found out we couldn't.
Me: Yeah. It's one of those legendary things you always think about: Can you climb to the top of Campbell Tower? Now we know we can't.
Cop: Have you ladies been drinking?
Us: (laughing) No.
Shannon: But you can test us if you want to .
Me: (looking up) It looks a lot bigger from far away doesn't it?
Cop: What would you have done if you got to the top?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I guess you can't even really walk around up there, can you?
Cop: Actually they have a cat walk around the container.
Shannon: Oh, can people go up there sometimes?
Cop: No.
Me: Well, I guess we'll just go swing on those swings over there, since this is kind of a let-down. It was a passing whimsy.
Shannon's turn to laugh.
Cop: Well you guys be careful.
Us: Okay.
The cop gets back in his car.
Shannon (to the jeep-turned-enforcement-vehicle): We won't try to kill ourselves.
Me (in my mind): Oh, he thought we were gonna commit suicide?
Me (Out loud): And we won't set off fireworks and burn down your beautiful Campbell.
We swang on the swings and talked. All I could think about was what a stupid death jumping off of Campbell's water tower would be. I mean, how undramatic!
For "Le Dan Man"
ME:
"I just want to get thru life without having to say, 'This is my husband. We met on eHarmony.com'".
=P
"I just want to get thru life without having to say, 'This is my husband. We met on eHarmony.com'".
=P
I Miss: *
The bats under the eaves
Busily keeping the night in motion.
(I'M ALIVE!)
The cats meowing at my door
To cuddle and purr and scratch.
(LET ME IN!)
The dancing fires licking the air
Feeding my soul, my heart, my mind
(I CREATE!)
The crawling fluffy moss roof
So safe, yellow green, so safe!
(PROTECT ME!)
The song, the dance of the creek
Always feeding, nurturing, helping.
(I'M HEALING!)
The turtle, the toad on the rock
Lying lazy in the sun.
(I AM NOT ALONE!)
The tall daisies, the little purple flowers
Lining the wild grasses.
(YOU CANNON CONTAIN ME!)
The trees, Oh God, THE TREES!
Oh ancient new, you hold much wisdom!
(HELP ME GROW!)
*You cannot tie what I love with a bow; What I miss is wild.
Busily keeping the night in motion.
(I'M ALIVE!)
The cats meowing at my door
To cuddle and purr and scratch.
(LET ME IN!)
The dancing fires licking the air
Feeding my soul, my heart, my mind
(I CREATE!)
The crawling fluffy moss roof
So safe, yellow green, so safe!
(PROTECT ME!)
The song, the dance of the creek
Always feeding, nurturing, helping.
(I'M HEALING!)
The turtle, the toad on the rock
Lying lazy in the sun.
(I AM NOT ALONE!)
The tall daisies, the little purple flowers
Lining the wild grasses.
(YOU CANNON CONTAIN ME!)
The trees, Oh God, THE TREES!
Oh ancient new, you hold much wisdom!
(HELP ME GROW!)
*You cannot tie what I love with a bow; What I miss is wild.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Boodah
I'd like you all to meet my new roommate... Boodah, the cutest French Mastiff EVER!!!He and I are buds! He's only 6 months old right now and already over 80 lbs!!!
He's been winning doggy modelling contests!
He doesn't like men, including my Dad, who has to bring beef jerkey when he comes over as a peace offering.
I Luuuuuuuuuv him!!!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Moving Sucks- but I'm doing it Anyways!
I have to move AGAIN! I hate that. Rather than tell everyone individually what is going on with me, I'm posting up an email I recently sent to a dear friend, because I think it shows my heart well:
************************************************************************************
Hey Girlie! I just wanted to update you and thank you for your prayers that God would speak to my "gut"!
I had an excellent meeting with Kristin (youth group leader) the next day and, essentially, she offered to mentor me and said "I don't know where we as a church dropped the ball, but with you, it is obvious that we did".
So I have decided to move back to san jose and have found a house in willow glen with some other girls that are on the same journey, but at different places.
... I am hoping and praying God will be opening (their) hearts as we create this online community for women our age and showing them and others that the church has NOT forgotten about them, that there IS a place for them and their gifts and talents, and that the church is willing to admit they made some mistakes and wounds and is ready to be open about that shame and embrace corporate healing.
I feel that is especially what this all means to me and my relationship with Kristin in her open acknowlegement that she was teaching us some faulty things, doing the best that she could at the time, but seeing that myself and several other women of our church left or had no place and that she wants to initiate the healing process by going back to the wound and opening up dialogue about what was and is going on in the church.
(No woman my age or near my age in our church is married. Several of them have had kids and are single mothers- and have left our church. Maybe out of shame, maybe out of being ostracized. Either way, the gossip behind the back thing needs to die. UGGG-AHH-LLYYY!!!)
I am very excited about what the Lord has planned for this very vibrant age/gender group and so blessed to be apart of the conversation. Obviously, corporate confession is not something that has been traditionally easy for the ana-baptist sector of Protestantism. I know it will be difficult and will mean I will have to go to the wound, and be open about my experiences- shame and all. But I know that it is necessary, not only to help others and pour the gifts of comfort that Christ is giving me into them, but also for my own healing and development and for that of my family (and their relationship with "church").
I have always been very passionate about women, especially the single women and how the church has neglected to acknowlege them. I just think it is amazing that God would lead Kristin to a place where she would be open to talking about this.
I am also looking forward to being mentored by her, as she addressed the positive aspects of being a strong woman and I think she will help me shape the use of that gift, rather than use it to control and manipulate, but to be sensitive and use it to develop and nurture others and love them.
She confirmed several things that people have been saying to me lately- one of which that I'm running. I guess this is my attempt to stop running, face the wounds and plant some roots- or at least let the roots that are already there spread a little and grow.
I know it sounds silly, but one of the reasons why I haven't moved home since college is b/c when people did, it seems they always got married and I am afraid of that. More than that- I feel like by staying put while still young, I am compromising something. But I think that by examining what it means to be a woman being used by God at this age and determining where, outside of single groups, women fit in the church will help me to become solid and steady and, hopefully work thru the desire to keep moving.
...I loved being invested in a church where my talents had use and where I could use them all. I know that was the hardest part for me when I moved away for college and I just never found a place where I could invest because everything since then has been temporary- everything but a few relationships. I feel like without my roots, I just slowly disintegrated.
***********************************************************************************
Hopefully this will help you understand why I'm moving.
************************************************************************************
Hey Girlie! I just wanted to update you and thank you for your prayers that God would speak to my "gut"!
I had an excellent meeting with Kristin (youth group leader) the next day and, essentially, she offered to mentor me and said "I don't know where we as a church dropped the ball, but with you, it is obvious that we did".
So I have decided to move back to san jose and have found a house in willow glen with some other girls that are on the same journey, but at different places.
... I am hoping and praying God will be opening (their) hearts as we create this online community for women our age and showing them and others that the church has NOT forgotten about them, that there IS a place for them and their gifts and talents, and that the church is willing to admit they made some mistakes and wounds and is ready to be open about that shame and embrace corporate healing.
I feel that is especially what this all means to me and my relationship with Kristin in her open acknowlegement that she was teaching us some faulty things, doing the best that she could at the time, but seeing that myself and several other women of our church left or had no place and that she wants to initiate the healing process by going back to the wound and opening up dialogue about what was and is going on in the church.
(No woman my age or near my age in our church is married. Several of them have had kids and are single mothers- and have left our church. Maybe out of shame, maybe out of being ostracized. Either way, the gossip behind the back thing needs to die. UGGG-AHH-LLYYY!!!)
I am very excited about what the Lord has planned for this very vibrant age/gender group and so blessed to be apart of the conversation. Obviously, corporate confession is not something that has been traditionally easy for the ana-baptist sector of Protestantism. I know it will be difficult and will mean I will have to go to the wound, and be open about my experiences- shame and all. But I know that it is necessary, not only to help others and pour the gifts of comfort that Christ is giving me into them, but also for my own healing and development and for that of my family (and their relationship with "church").
I have always been very passionate about women, especially the single women and how the church has neglected to acknowlege them. I just think it is amazing that God would lead Kristin to a place where she would be open to talking about this.
I am also looking forward to being mentored by her, as she addressed the positive aspects of being a strong woman and I think she will help me shape the use of that gift, rather than use it to control and manipulate, but to be sensitive and use it to develop and nurture others and love them.
She confirmed several things that people have been saying to me lately- one of which that I'm running. I guess this is my attempt to stop running, face the wounds and plant some roots- or at least let the roots that are already there spread a little and grow.
I know it sounds silly, but one of the reasons why I haven't moved home since college is b/c when people did, it seems they always got married and I am afraid of that. More than that- I feel like by staying put while still young, I am compromising something. But I think that by examining what it means to be a woman being used by God at this age and determining where, outside of single groups, women fit in the church will help me to become solid and steady and, hopefully work thru the desire to keep moving.
...I loved being invested in a church where my talents had use and where I could use them all. I know that was the hardest part for me when I moved away for college and I just never found a place where I could invest because everything since then has been temporary- everything but a few relationships. I feel like without my roots, I just slowly disintegrated.
***********************************************************************************
Hopefully this will help you understand why I'm moving.
Friday, June 1, 2007
You are NOT a TV.
I woke up thinking about THIS...
We are not entertainment for one another.
I think in a TV culture we forget that rather quickly.
We meet up with people expecting them to entertain us, or, to entertain them rather than engage in genuine community.
To engage in the present moment means you're going to get dirty. Love is messy. Love is even sometimes BORING! (::gasp::)
So what do we do with that? How do we genuinely say, "Hi, brother/sister/PERSON! I am hear to love you. I am here to LISTEN. But don't feel pressured to entertain me."
I think it starts with embracing the silence in a room and the lulls in conversations instead of running away from them.
I think it really starts by looking them in the eye rather than spacing out.
I think it really REALLY means we start re-imagining how we perceive the word "entertainment" and finding the balance between authenticity, without the burden of overdoing it and delving into an intensity that is too hard to maintain.
I think that when we truly love each other, moment by moment, we will find joy.
We are not entertainment for one another.
I think in a TV culture we forget that rather quickly.
We meet up with people expecting them to entertain us, or, to entertain them rather than engage in genuine community.
To engage in the present moment means you're going to get dirty. Love is messy. Love is even sometimes BORING! (::gasp::)
So what do we do with that? How do we genuinely say, "Hi, brother/sister/PERSON! I am hear to love you. I am here to LISTEN. But don't feel pressured to entertain me."
I think it starts with embracing the silence in a room and the lulls in conversations instead of running away from them.
I think it really starts by looking them in the eye rather than spacing out.
I think it really REALLY means we start re-imagining how we perceive the word "entertainment" and finding the balance between authenticity, without the burden of overdoing it and delving into an intensity that is too hard to maintain.
I think that when we truly love each other, moment by moment, we will find joy.
Living in the Present Moment (Partial Repost)
I am in the middle of a move, which means goodbye reality, hello every form of escape within my grasp. I'm not very good at detaching. Whether it's envisioning how to decorate my new space and make my artistic "mark", or nostalgically recalling (and sometimes regretting) the past and all these objects associated with memories, I am realizing how much bondage I am under. Seriously, do I need all these objects, these temporal things distracting me from embracing the joy of the present moment? I don't think so. And joy has been hard to find. Tears have been easier. I HATE the idea of moving. I LOVE being in the woods and are starting attach the "all-isms" you attach with a love you are moving away from- it was "always this way", I "never" did this, this "always" brought out this emotion... and, the most dangerous of them all, "I was THIS while I was here"...
Places, things, memories, imagination: these are not WHO I am. There is no place for love in an unreality.
I am reposting something I came across this morning that was a great re-focusing tool. I hope you will check it out:
http://www.ichoseyou.com/college.html
Here's a selection from it:
A sign outside a pub reads "Free beer tomorrow!" The next day the sign will be there. Do you remember hearing the phrase: "Time is flying!" Indeed, time passes relentlessly; some times we wish we had a remote control to stop or to fast-forward it.
The ancient Romans used to say: "Carpe diem", seize the day, meaning: "Don't waste it, enjoy it." In Renaissance Florence, late 1400's, a poem, loosely translated, went like this: "Oh how beautiful the time of youth is, and yet it runs away from us; he who wants to be happy, be happy because there may not be a tomorrow." "He who wants to be happy." is the refrain that goes through all the poem. Certainly this is not a Christian vision of life.
In the light of Sacred Scripture, time is seen in a quite different perspective.
In the New Testament there are numerous exhortations to live in the present: "So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mt 6,34); Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4,6); "Unload all your worries on to him, since he is looking after you (1 Pt 5,7).
...Christians in Europe who lived during World War II, when there were continual bombings and were not sure if they would be alive in the next moment, concentrated on the moment they had available at the present to love God and their neighbors.
Chiara Lubich was one of those Christians who experienced this reality when she wrote: "The Lord taught us to live the present moment in various ways. In the Gospel for instance, it is evident that we should live the present moment, because we are told to ask the Father for bread only for "this day". "Give us this day our daily bread" and we learn that "today has troubles enough of it own" (Mt. 6:34); and we are warned: "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God" (Lk. 9:62)." As a follower of Jesus Christ, we don't look back, rather with our hearts fixed in Eternity and our feet on the ground we look at this moment and we are challenged: " Your Kingdom come!"
In reading the lives of the Saints, Chiara realized that we could imitate them in the way they did the will of God in the present moment. Here is what some of them said: Catherine of Siena: "The fatigue of the past is no longer ours, because its time has gone; what is to come we do not possess, because we are not sure if its time will ever come."
Another saint from the third century was Anthony the abbot. His biography said: "He took no account of the time which had passed, but day by day, as if beginning his life as a monk for the first time, he made great efforts to advance, constantly repeating to himself Saint Paul's words: 'I forget the past and strain ahead for what is still to come' (Phil. 3:13-14).
St. Therese' of the Little Flower is another expert on how to live the present moment. She said:
"Let's take advantage of every single moment of our suffering, let's us see each instant as if there were no other. An instant is a treasure…""My life is a flash of lightning, an hour that passes, a moment that fast escapes me and is gone. My God, you know that to love you on earth I have nothing but today." Do you love Jesus in the present moment or are you distracted and thinking that someday you are going to start loving Him? "Free beer tomorrow!"
Places, things, memories, imagination: these are not WHO I am. There is no place for love in an unreality.
I am reposting something I came across this morning that was a great re-focusing tool. I hope you will check it out:
http://www.ichoseyou.com/college.html
Here's a selection from it:
A sign outside a pub reads "Free beer tomorrow!" The next day the sign will be there. Do you remember hearing the phrase: "Time is flying!" Indeed, time passes relentlessly; some times we wish we had a remote control to stop or to fast-forward it.
The ancient Romans used to say: "Carpe diem", seize the day, meaning: "Don't waste it, enjoy it." In Renaissance Florence, late 1400's, a poem, loosely translated, went like this: "Oh how beautiful the time of youth is, and yet it runs away from us; he who wants to be happy, be happy because there may not be a tomorrow." "He who wants to be happy." is the refrain that goes through all the poem. Certainly this is not a Christian vision of life.
In the light of Sacred Scripture, time is seen in a quite different perspective.
In the New Testament there are numerous exhortations to live in the present: "So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mt 6,34); Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4,6); "Unload all your worries on to him, since he is looking after you (1 Pt 5,7).
...Christians in Europe who lived during World War II, when there were continual bombings and were not sure if they would be alive in the next moment, concentrated on the moment they had available at the present to love God and their neighbors.
Chiara Lubich was one of those Christians who experienced this reality when she wrote: "The Lord taught us to live the present moment in various ways. In the Gospel for instance, it is evident that we should live the present moment, because we are told to ask the Father for bread only for "this day". "Give us this day our daily bread" and we learn that "today has troubles enough of it own" (Mt. 6:34); and we are warned: "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God" (Lk. 9:62)." As a follower of Jesus Christ, we don't look back, rather with our hearts fixed in Eternity and our feet on the ground we look at this moment and we are challenged: " Your Kingdom come!"
In reading the lives of the Saints, Chiara realized that we could imitate them in the way they did the will of God in the present moment. Here is what some of them said: Catherine of Siena: "The fatigue of the past is no longer ours, because its time has gone; what is to come we do not possess, because we are not sure if its time will ever come."
Another saint from the third century was Anthony the abbot. His biography said: "He took no account of the time which had passed, but day by day, as if beginning his life as a monk for the first time, he made great efforts to advance, constantly repeating to himself Saint Paul's words: 'I forget the past and strain ahead for what is still to come' (Phil. 3:13-14).
St. Therese' of the Little Flower is another expert on how to live the present moment. She said:
"Let's take advantage of every single moment of our suffering, let's us see each instant as if there were no other. An instant is a treasure…""My life is a flash of lightning, an hour that passes, a moment that fast escapes me and is gone. My God, you know that to love you on earth I have nothing but today." Do you love Jesus in the present moment or are you distracted and thinking that someday you are going to start loving Him? "Free beer tomorrow!"
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