Passing Thru...

in process... still needs work...

2011-06-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

This guy calls me up & convinces me to leave my house on a Friday night. This is super rare because this is my favorite introvert night of the week. It’s practically sacred. But I said ok- it was almost like I was getting revenge on my loneliness.

It’s nearly Cinco De Mayo so downtown is lively & we end up at Cinnabar. It was filled with sharks fans, teal & black. I am horrified as I realize I am wearing teal & black. I have entered something I didn’t sign up for.

A man draws his legs between mine, constantly touching me closer, touching my thighs… I don’t even notice. I literally brush it off like a mosquito trying to land. Sensation registers, but something essential is missing. I have a compliment from this man, another from that man, another from that whose words trail after me to the bathroom & his eyes bear down the door long after that. I lock myself in hoping pupils aren’t laser beams & believing that comic books are lies- Superman does not exist so I am safe in here. That’s the bullshit I tell myself when I’m a shot of vodka & one & a half blue moons into a Friday nite.

As I walk out a skinny very good looking mod hipster shakes my hand “I’m Will.” He smiles. “What’s your name, Doll?” I miss being called Doll. I miss it so bad I wonder if I should just give him my card on the spot which I never do. But another man stares me down & grabs my waist & my gut and mind are left suspended over the pool table & I am off on a walking adventure.

“Now that you are full of alcohol, what would you like to do”? Id like to curl up in a hermit crab shell and be safe I think, thank you very much. I’d like to hide in that pool table pocket until 3am when the people have gone home & the cops have finally arrested every last Mexico Flagged vehicle on S. First Street.

I sigh.

I link arms & I say “I need to walk or eat”.

Why not? It's a Friday night- I really should play along. Let’s be honest, it’s that or a DUI. I think San Jose cops get paid commission per ticket the week of Cinco De Mayo.

I’m quickly cold, quickly annoyed that I must exchange sexual innuendo for bodily warmth. Where is my shell? Is it hiding in the gutter drain? Is it hiding in a burrito?

I pass Azucar. They’re playing banta. I stare at the awkward steps which don’t speak to courtship as much to a certain determination to prove something.

“Yes, this is the step. Yes, I dance like THIS.”

No you don’t, I want to say.

I am curious about their drive to prove something, but I don’t think tonight’s THAT night to ask questions. I don’t really understand why people celebrate Cinco de Mayo in America & for that reason, it’s usually best to just shut up until I can go home & google or phone a friend. In each step I see people trying to be something they’re not for someone else who’s not in the room. I see stern bouncers protecting something that looks & sounds silly but sacred.

Greek dances are silly too. Celtic riverdance take the cake. I’m not even sure the Norwegians dance. I am hodgepodge of territories screaming from one side of my blue veins to the other side of the red ones.

Maybe that’s why people dance the way they do at clubs here- just rub up against each other- get to the point. Someone has work in the morning.

“Everything ok?” he asks. He doesn’t really want to know. I sigh. I’ve done it again- lost in thoughts that I need to dumb down.

“I’m freezing. My body feels so cold!!!”

“Awh, you fragile thing”. If only he knew.

“Let’s just eat something” I say, dodging.

So we eat quesadillas. I don’t give a shit about any of it. Even though his legs are directly against mine & I feel that he is trying to be good & control the uncontrollable, I am his gate keeper. He thinks he holds the control but I know better. I just happen to not give a shit. Game over dude, sorry. Apathy wins again.

He walks me to my truck despite my best maneuvering abilities, mostly because there is a sea of fat people waiting to pay their parking tickets. I don’t know what it is about the really obese- especially about several of them waiting to pay parking tickets.

I can tell he wants me. I know at least 3 other guys want to screw me tonight too. It’s comical that they think something so intimate is detachable- lies. All I feel is the cold air & I want to go home to my hermit shell & take my apathy where it doesn’t affect others.

When your heart has found the other half of its heartbeat it’s hard to convince it otherwise. I’m too old to lie to myself- too tired of swimming upstream.

Perhaps happiness is paid for with the purgatory of the doldrums.

Pink

2011-06-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

I hear it shatter & its smell slams against my nose standing in the long bathroom line before I see it:

A broken bottle of bright pink opi nail polish on the bathroom floor

The door opens to me & I feel like I’ve won the golden ticket.

Apologies spill out of the stall, heels tiptoe around neon glass.

I stare & stare & stare at the bright pink gloss splattered over microbes, dirt, bacteria, tile, urine.

Beautiful.

I don’t want to leave the stall. I stay longer than I should- there’s an understanding about how long a girl can stay in a public stall if she’s not changing clothes.

I want to take the floor with me but it’s not mine.

I unlatch the lock & give the next gal in the bathroom line a giant smile.

She wrinkles her nose at the pungent smell, then her eyebrows wrinkle at me.

I smile again. “Look!”

I hope she sees. I hope I’m not the only one- it’s lonely.

I close my eyes to freeze time. This is the smell. This is pink.

Art & Social Justice- a re-cap of my talk at KALEID's Two Buck Tuesday

2009-08-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it...
This was my second year traveling to Haiti, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere located in the Caribbean right off the coast of Florida. Hispaniola- or what is now Haiti & the Dominican Republic, was what Columbus "discovered" in 1492. He claimed the land for Spain but French pirates started buccaneering in Tortuga (part of Haiti) and it wasn't long before King Louis XIV colonized it for France. The French West India Company set up what is now Cap Haitian and brought over slaves. Haiti's most successful export has always been sugar and what comes from it- rum. Inspired by the revolution in France, the Haitian slaves revolted and, when Napoleon withdrew all his forces from the Western Hemisphere & signed the Louisiana Purchase, they became the only slave-liberated nation and the world's oldest black republic.

What I've observed from all their subsequent upheaval is that there has been no real healing and so even though they are "free", they still allow influences into their lives that tell them what to do- influences like dictators & bad government, voodoo and messages of fear stemming from poverty. We contribute to these messages by telling them things like "you can't do it on your own, you need our help". The UN gets $1 million dollars a day in aid from the rest of the world to stay in Haiti, earning money off the poverty of the Haitians and they do absolutely nothing. They hand out candy to kids and drink with the witchdoctors while having their "fortunes" read. The people of Haiti are bright thinkers and entrepreneurs who need more empowering opportunities for trade instead of unhelpful aid handouts.

I have visited Haiti for the last two years and stayed at a nutrition center called UCI. The center was started by a missionary couple (one native Haitian, one America) who came back to Bohoc to start a school. As they walked around their neighborhood, wondering where to start, they saw a group of kids- three sets of twins- eating ashes from the fire in hopes that they could find some fat drippings from their mother's cooking. The couple’s hearts broke and they realized before they could educate the town, they needed to first feed them. They started a nutrition center which feeds extremely malnourished kids. When I was there I was struck by the kindness, joy and love of these children as they shared their only bowl of food with their siblings and parents.

In addition to food distribution, I created a mural last year in a local church. While working I met a group from the local boys art club. They asked me to critique their work which turned into a discussion of how to market their art to tourists. I asked them to help me finish the mural and left spaces for them to insert their own unique voices. I kept in touch with many of these boys- some emailed me every week over the last year, forming friendships. When I returned this year, it was with the goal of pouring into these boys. I taught 1-3 art classes a day teaching them the fundamentals as well as organizing outdoor still life & landscape sessions. Before I left I met Ema Harris Sintanmarian's adopted father who has been going to Haiti for the last 40 years (it just gets under your skin!). I was very worried about what to teach and feeling inadequate & he gave me some very good advice- most of their art education is from copying other trade artists as there are no museums or galleries really outside of Port Au Prince. Many of the artists still are influenced by the French impressionism with large idyllic landscapes & very small people. He told me the very best thing I could contribute is to teach them my own voice, style & the fundamentals. I felt like this was a very fateful meeting and one of the many perks this summer of moving my studio to the Citadel.

Taking this advice, I also organized 5 murals this summer in the poorest of the poor schools. I painted one with a few boys who worked with me last year, two from the local, very corrupt & impoverished orphanage. When the translator left, we could not speak the same language well, but we discovered we knew many of the same American gospel & hip-hop songs. So we communicated through song and finished a 20 foot mural in only 8 hours! I'm telling you, I could not create something that fast with Americans who spoke the same language! These boys work hard and are committed to learning everything they can. The hard work they put into creating and selling their art as trade artists means food for their families, tuition money & medicine for sick family members. By helping them learn the basics of art, I am empowering them to dream, to become better entrepreneurs & to get themselves out of their circumstances. They in return have taught me so much about redemption, simplicity, thankfulness & re-birth.

One last story I'll share is about the first day I was there this summer. I was teaching an art class & a mid-wife came by with a brand new baby- right out of the womb! She heard there was a visiting artist in town & as a sign of honor brought the baby to me. As I held him, she told me his story- his mother is mentally ill (they obviously have no money for mental institutions, psychiatric drugs, etc) and some of the men of the village had been taking advantage of her. She became pregnant and the mid-wife was taking this little baby to the orphanage. I asked, "what is his name". & do you know what she said? "He doesn't have one, would you like to name him?" I totally floored! Name a baby? What on earth do you name someone that will have this name for the rest of their life? Very different than naming a fictional character or an art piece! I thought about it and finally decided to call him "Dieu Bon Andre". "Dieu Bon" means "God is good" and "Andre" translates to "Andrew" after my father. This baby had the worst possible beginning and I wanted him to have a name that would redeem him and set him up for good things. As it happens, there is a happy ending, or rather, beginning. A few days later, the mother's sister heard the story and adopted little Dieu Bon! I was so moved to hear this!

So yes, I think the art I'm creating and my trips to Haiti are intersecting with social justice. I think it’s unfair that I have access to clean water, a variety of food choices, and shoes that fit and other people in this world don't. I think artists have a great power to connect with other artists in ways that people who go to 3rd world countries to form hospitals or feeding centers cannot. We have the capacity to tell great stories, to see beauty & hope hidden in ugly situations, and to inspire the rest of the world to act. What I'm doing is valuable, not only because it brings hope & skills to others, but because its making me a better person. My art is becoming about something bigger- it is not just a self-centered activity but can bring about universal justice & truth. I think every artist needs to go get an existential education that allows them to get to know our neighbors in this globalized world. Not only does it help us become better at loving, but it also helps widens our view of the world, makes us very grateful for what we have (rather than stuck in the patterns of post-modernism that simply "opposes" well, everything or the misery & angst of suburban consumerism), and opens us up to explore new methods of expression.

There are a few hopeful next steps. I'd like to take a team of artists over to Haiti for 1-2 weeks. It also my hope to be able to return for somewhere between 1-6 months and create art there as a sort of residency to tell the stories for the people of Haiti who are virtually the "voiceless ones" because of poverty & injustice. It would be nice to continue teaching those boys & perhaps form a mural team with them and bring them to the States for commissions.

At Two Buck Tuesday many of the artists were moved to want to donate art supplies to the boys and learn more about how to purchase their very inexpensive art. I've started an email list for that &, well, we will see where it goes! There's so much innovation & creativity in this valley and I'd love to see that applied towards justice.

The mural

2009-07-23T11:41:00.001-07:00

20ft. in 8 hrs.! I hereby "hire" these boys for all future mural commissions!

Mural I made in the poorest of the poor schools (very very dirty- those are footprints on the wall! Hoping it will get painted white around the mural, like we started.) No projector, no ladder. This was created the old fashioned way- free handed a shape and found the tallest guys around!

The three little pigs would be proud

2009-07-22T14:38:00.001-07:00

Houses in Haiti on our food distribution walk.

"The little hurricane came along and said, 'Let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLOW your house down!"

Straw (palm fronds)
This one had a fire going in it- cooking up dinner!

Wood

Brick (Limestone- the house we helped build for Zouel)

Fun Fact: Houses in Haiti get to be up to 300 sq ft! That's half my art studio or about the size of my living room... yup.

Hallelujah

2009-07-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

By Wendjor (one of my students & mural helpers from this & last year known for his truthful capturing of the Haitian experience. Check out the community, the poverty, & the "Haitian Dream"- to work, eat & love.)

"I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
-Leonard Cohen

Some pictures from Haiti

2009-07-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

Here are some very random pictures from my Haiti trip. More to come elsewhere!

Me holding a baby goat that wandered in to check out us making a mural!

Me with Jislyn & Jislen at a sugar cane factory on one of our food distribution walks.

I was asked, as the visiting artist, to name this baby. His mother was mental insane and some of the men had taken advantage of that and got her pregnant. This baby was on the way to the orphanage. I named him "Dieu Bon" or "God is Good". Wanted him to have a good start. A few days later his aunt decided to take him in. God IS good!

On a food distribution walk with the twins, Jislen & Jislyn who inspired the nutrition center- these kids were found by the Mompremiers eating ashes out of the fire. Look how big & strong they're getting! =)

Me holding a weak, malnurioushed munchkin during VBS games. Her 5 year old sister was responsible to take care of her and change her. We got her some shoes that fit.

Soccer or "Football" is a big deal in Haiti. While we were there the US played Haiti in "football" and we tied! So we had a special game on the Mompremiers field the next day. Wilnot, Jislen, Me, Evens (& random kid behind me). Wilnot & Evens were friends from last year.

Stations of the Cross

2009-04-13T12:20:00.001-07:00

My digested thoughts will be coming soon.
In the meantime, check out my art blog (link on right) to see the press & photos from the exhibit! =)

Artist Statement Sign for Stations of the Cross

2009-04-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Portrait...

2009-02-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Portrait by Manny Silva done for $2 at Two Buck Tuesday! (February)
(AKA Illustrator who's clients include Belle & Sebastian, Sufjan Stevens, The Flaming Lips, the Fillmore, & Old Navy.)
Glad he moved back to the Bay!

Overheard

2009-01-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

"Daddy, close your eyes. No wait! Let's put zucchinis in them!!!"

Oh My Little Jelly Bean

2009-01-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

The End.

Dreams make me tired, but I really don't wanna stop.

2008-12-12T14:00:00.001-08:00

The other night I dreamed Saturn crashed into Earth and landed in 3 parts surrounding the farm where I was in the kitchen hiding under the sink in a cabinet.
Made me feel weird all day.

Spooning Max's Art

2008-11-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

Spooning Maxwell Loren Holyoke's art at his Anno Domini show!
How fabulous is he for letting me do this!?!
BTW- new art website is up: www.zhibit.org/quitecontrary.
Please give my guestbook a little shout out yo!!!

3-Ton Steamroller Prints

2008-09-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Doin art in the streets of San Francisco"
Tomorrow I will be here- the SF Roadworks steamroller printfest!
I'm working a booth with my friend's cute purse/fabrics company, "Beyond Wonderland"...
Given my week, seeped in Alice in Wonderland, it seems like an appropriate way to "let out steam"...
Whahahaha...

...yeah.

Salsa!

2008-09-18T09:26:00.001-07:00

Just completed an Alice in Wonderland mural for this:

Art on the Square & 1st Annual Salsa Festival
The final Art on the Square is this Saturday September 20th which coincides with the Redwood City First Annual Salsa Festival which includes salsa competions (the edible kind and the dance kind), four stages of music and fun family activities.
Saturday, September 20, 2008, 12-8pm
On Broadway between Middlefield and Hamilton
Downtown Redwood City
- just look for a random 8ft. Alice holding the Cheshire cat on her finger like a bird... could be anywhere in front of a construction site, in a kiosk... who knows... pics will come when I get over there. Should be up for a little bit.

Ya know when u play video games and you complete a level how you have that feeling of exhaustion but excitement to see what's going to happen on the next level? Well, that's how I feel... I kinda wish Nintendo had a cheat sheet for this sort of thing...

Greed is good?

2008-09-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

So what I heard an investor say today was that he was taking his money and buying up yen and francs.
THATS his investment right now!
Crazy...
This is the best explanation I've seen on the current financial upturn...
Did you know, for example that this is the "worst slump in U.S. housing since the Great Depression."
Eek!!!

Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe

2008-09-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe is a short documentary film directed by Les Blank in 1980 which depicts director Werner Herzog living up to his promise that he would eat his shoe if Errol Morris ever completed the film Gates of Heaven.

That's a friend...

If I...

2008-09-05T15:09:00.001-07:00

Had a little girl, I would so buy/make her little lolita clothes like these from Shirley Temple...

How to Build a Global Community

2008-09-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

From "The Syracuse Culture Workers":
Think of no one as “them”
Don’t confuse your comfort with your safety
Talk to strangers
Imagine other cultures through their poetry and novels
Listen to music you don’t understand*Dance to it
Act Locally
Notice the workings of power & privilege in your culture
Question consumption
Know how your lettuce and coffee are grown: wake up
and smell the exploitation
Look for fair trade and union labels
Help build economies from the bottom up
Acquire few needs
Learn a second(or third) language
Visit people,places, and cultures – not tourist attractions
Learn people’s history*Re-define progress
Know physical and political geography
Play games from other cultures*Watch films with subtitles
Know your heritage
Honor everyone’s holidays
Look at the moon and imagine someone else,
Somewhere else, looking at it too
Read the UNs Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Understand the global economy in terms of
people, land, and water
Know where your bank banks
Never believe you have the right to anyone else’s resources
Refuse to wear corporate logos: defy corporate domination
Question military/corporate connections
Don’t confuse money with wealth, or time with money
Have a pen/email pal*Honor indigenous cultures
Judge governance by how well it meets all people’s needs
Be skeptical about what you read
Eat adventurously*Enjoy vegetables,
Beans and grains in your diet
Choose curiosity over certainty
Know where your water comesfrom
and where your wastes go
Pledge allegiance to the earth;question nationalism
Think South, Central, and North-
There are many Americans
Assume that many others share your dreams
Know that no one is silent though many are not heard
Work to change this

Advent Conspiracy Ideas

2008-08-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

Felt Gnomes... Seriously so cute!

Website

2008-08-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

I need one. I really do.
I need to figure out how to market art so I can have fun all day long!
Let's join forces- together we will be unstoppable!
I need Etsy ideas...

The Little Revolution

2008-07-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

I think anti-gas price increases needs to start with the Honda Metropolitan Scooter... The 2009 in "Ghost" color is just too hipster! I'm considering it thanks to Charlie and ASTRONOMICAL overspending on gas.
Cuz I'm pretty sure my money could go towards much better things.
Trying not to eat out as much either.
What's your little revolution against consumerism?
XOXO

Q & A

2008-07-25T10:35:00.001-07:00

Q: "What is one thing that you know for certain returning from Haiti- about God, yourself and the world?"

A: "I know for sure that Consumerism is wrong. I know that I need to be loved and need to admit my insufficients and needs so that others can be who they fully are as givers. I know that the Holy Spirit is in me and in many of the eyes of the children of Haiti- and I now know what that means, having seen voodoo at work. I'm getting a sense of my identity- I am the storyteller prophet."

Haiti Links

2008-07-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

There is much to tell about Haiti- I think its best in small doses.

The TEAM BLOG is worth reading. I wrote one section while in Haiti.

The team also took tons of beautiful PICTURES worth looking at for a visual story of the experience.

Stories to come...

XOXO

Going...

2008-06-27T22:11:00.001-07:00

to Haiti...
This is officially the 48 hour count down to a life changing, eye-opening experience of loving 3rd world style...

Preparation for Haiti

2008-06-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

At our prayer night for the Haiti Trip yesterday, it occured to me that going to Haiti will be like a fast... a modern day fast from comfort (in everyway- food, shower, bed, heat, technology, habits, work, jeans/pants...).
I thought I would share these two things with you all: First of all our team picture now improved! by awesome Charlie:

(Arg!!! say I, Charlie dearest!!!)
And Isaiah 58, hopefully as a connection to those of you who have been a part of this process with me over the last two years and as a new insight for new friends!
Isaiah 58 was given to me by 3 random people during a 24 day fast I was doing...

Isaiah 58
Your Prayers Won't Get Off the Ground
1-3 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'

3-5"Well, here's why:
"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?

6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob."
Yes! God says so!

"Silence"

2008-06-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

"Silence"
What's happening here?
I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I'm trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say â€œit's all good kid, it's nothing that you did, and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I'm listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It's a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can't keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I'm always near so you need not fear
But don't worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

-Bradley Hathaway

God Bless The Inventors of Coffee...

2008-06-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

VII (Very Important Information)
To soon replace Saturday morning Cartoons...

The most famous of the stories about the origin of coffee involves an Abyssinian goatherd named Kaldi who one day noticed that his normally docile goats had suddenly become exceptionally lively. On closer investigation Kaldi discovered his goats were nibbling the bright red berries from a shiny, dark-leafed shrub nearby.

Bravely the goatherd tasted these berries himself and soon found, to his amazement that he felt extraordinarily stimulated and invigorated. Convinced that he had discovered a miracle, Kaldi picked some more of the berries and rushed off with them to show his local Imam, a learned holy man. The Imam, on hearing the story, pronounced the beans to be evil and flung them onto the fire, whereupon a delicious and exotic aroma soon filled the air. Hastily the Imam, changing his mind, raked the beans from the fire and threw them into a bowl of water to cool, and then tasted the water. So was the first recorded coffee "brewed" and enjoyed.

Because of stories like this, coffee was first thought to have originated in Yemen on the Arabian peninsula when it was seen growing there by Europeans at a much later date. But the botanical evidence indicates that the coffee plant "Coffea Arabica" originated on the plateaus of central Ethiopia where it still grows wild.

Somehow the Arab traders got the beans from Ethiopia across the Red Sea to Yemen around the 6th century AD. Black African cultures were using the bean before this, but as a solid food: the ripe berries were squashed, combined with animal fats and shaped into round balls, which could be carried and eaten on long journeys.

1475: History's First Coffee Shop

The first coffee shop in history, named Kiva Han, was invented in Constantinople - what is now Istanbul. Coffee had been introduced to the region by the Ottoman Turks and became so popular that a woman could file for divorce if she did not get a daily quota of coffee from her husband.

1668: Invention of a Breakfast Tradition

It may be hard to believe, but at one point in history, beer was the preferred drink at breakfast. It wasn't until 1668 that New York City claimed coffee as its breakfast drink of choice. The world followed suit and, in another hundred years, it was declared an American's patriotic duty to drink coffee.

1713: Accidental Marketing Innovation

In 1713, the Dutch accidentally supplied King Louis XIV of France with a coffee bush. They may have been more careful if they knew that the French would transport a seedling overseas, where it would result in over 19 million coffee trees 50 years later. This historic coffee bush of the Dutch became responsible for over 90 percent of the world's coffee production.

1822: Invention of the Espresso Machine

Despite its Italian-sounding name, the espresso machine was invented in France. A prototype appeared there in 1822. It took over a hundred years for the invention of the espresso machine we know today - this time in Italy. The modern espresso machine was invented by Achilles Gaggia in 1946.

1901: Instant Coffee Invented

In 1901, Satori Kato, a Japanese-American chemist, invented instant coffee in Buffalo, NY at the Pan American Exposition. Kato received a patent for his invention and coffee history was made. He even started his own coffee company - appropriately named the Kato Coffee Company - in Chicago.

1952: Invention of the Coffee Break

At this time in history, workplaces in North America were becoming a bit more humane, installing lunchrooms in factories and offices for their employees to have a place to sit and relax. The American Coffee Bureau saw a marketing angle in the situation and invented the coffee break. It even had a slogan - "Give yourself a Coffee-Break -- and Get What Coffee Gives to You."

Today, coffee is loved all over the world. By 1995, over 400 billion cups of coffee are consumed every year. In fact, after oil, it is the world's second-largest commodity.

(Soooooo... Oil, Coffee, Diamonds??? That's the order of the highest consumed products on the planet? We humans are a strange lot!!!)

Unmask the Mysteries... of Creating a "Designer Mask"...

2008-06-21T10:44:00.003-07:00

This "Tribal Mask" was created for the "Unmask the Mysteries Masquerade Gala" which will "will benefit the AIDS Coalition Silicon Valley and 9 AIDS service and prevention agencies in Santa Clara County. Come for an evening of unique entertainment, foods, wines, and masks in the theme of Carnival in Brazil!"
It's my first attempt at a "designer mask", which is actually pretty fun...
"I fought the feathers and I... won!"

3 Hours of Research
7 Hours of Construction
30 Minutes of Transportation
$30 in materials
(Incl: gold, feathers, jewel, twine, shell "glitter", & acrylic paint)

I had no idea the theme was "carnivale" so, this might not be the most event-appropriate mask, but I still thought it was cool...
I'll be going down to "volunteer" tonight but I'm pretty sure I'll come back with loads of inspiration from the body art by MAC (!!!), food by the Fairmont Hotel and the freakin cool Velocity Circus (contortionists).

I feel like this was a really cool opportunity! Masks are not something I would normally make... so THANK YOU CHARLIE!!!

Fishy

2008-06-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

I told someone I was a pescatarian. He thought I said "presbyterian" and went off on this 5 minute tangent on his growing up Presbyterian. It was funny... I giggled after politely listening and said, "oh, wow, that's cool. But I'm not Presbyterian. Not sure what I am in that department. But I'm a PESCATARIAN- ya know, like a vegetarian but I eat sushi..."
It was awesome.
Best part?
I'm now an Artist in Resident at Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz... which just merged with a Presbyterian Church...

...It's the little things...

Geishas for Haiti!

2008-06-15T23:07:00.000-07:00

I've posted the 5 thus far created on my art blog...
Busy Busy...

Alice in Superstition Land Event!

2008-06-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is totally stolen from miss "Giovenetta". I will put up many pics on my art blog, but I wanted to give you a sense behind the piece... This just sumarizes the whole thing way better than I could have explained it... I am searching for video footage so you all can hear how AMAZING she was!!! UH! SOOOO love painting to her opera vocaliciousness!!! It was great to paint an actual model and Tony's rendition of "Jabberwocky" was downright delicious! Rawr, people, RAWR!

I think Gio summarized what it meant to collaborate with artists in other mediums well. She said, "I didn't have to hold back. When you sing in choirs, everyone has to hold back for the good of the group. But here, you singing out, being your original self was for the good of the group."

I LOVED that!

BTW, I also need to give a major shout out to the Red Paintings for giving me an ultra booster of inspiration this last month! You guys are FABULOUS!!!

...Thanks Gio for this:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Alice in Superstition Land Event! Pics!!!
Check my picture album~

I had the AMAZING opportunity to sing Gretel exerpts from the opera Hansel & Gretel for a collaborative art event called: "I'm Late", conceptualized and organized by Trina Merry.

It was really an awesome experience.

She showed her canvas art on the side of the room consisting of striking Geishas painted specifically to raise money the Haiti missions trip she is undergoing in only a few weeks! She did one canvas every day for an entire week.

(That's a lot of creative energy and work!) Go Trina-Woman!!!
Not to mention SHE'S GOING TO HAITI!

Anyhow, where I fit into this picture is just a small piece, but significant to me. She and I entered the audience carrying the White Rabbit on a stretcher, debilitated by the somthing that bound him.

After setting the stretcher down, Trina invited the Rabbit out of his paralysis where all are able to see the clocks that are tied around his waist. They are all set to 3am.

Apparently this particular Rabbit is bound by a fear which had been paralyzing him. The clocks signify that fear. It is a superstition about 3am. (BTW- this event occured on Fri the 13th, hence the focus on superstition) After the Rabbit was revived, Trina proceeded to envigorate him using color, by painting and I by singing. I sang the Gretel exerpts because the lyrics and music embodies the message of awakening from a dream to a refreshed state of being.

Trina continued to paint Kate's, our White Rabbit, entire body save shorts and waistcoat.

During the last half hour I got to help, by Trina's invitation, along with several others!

Check out the pics in my new album titled: Alice in Superstition Land, to see Trina's ( and my ^-~) body painting and her GORGEOUS gallery art!
Oh, and both of us dressed up as Alice, w/ our own respective rabbits.

Thank God...

2008-06-08T20:18:00.001-07:00

... I have a place to live!
Not just any place- a super fabulous place.
I will be moving to the 1 bdrm. guest house on my family's property which is currently, happily acting as studio/photography/craft storage for various members of my family.
This means as it gets cleaned out, i may get cool things- like today, for example, i got a freaking drafting table! A "light" one, no less with storage!
I get free cable, utilities, and internet.
How much is a 1 bedroom on Newport with all these perks and more?
...$400...

I forsee bills paid, art supplies purchased and traveling in my near future...

Especially with "The Red Paintings"... since Trash told me last night they are MOVING TO L.A.!!! They are going to have "Animal Rebellion Marches" here in the states and I plan to help out! How fun! Trash will dress up like Noah and lead the Rebellion like this:

Chocolate Jesus

2008-05-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

"The Mass of Humanity goes to the grave with their song still inside."

-HDT

XOXO

Things in the Past, Things in the Future- Stop and Pick a Strawberry

2008-05-28T21:35:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot going on for me. Ever since Cinco De Mayo, things have been sorta psychotic- and not in a sexy, blurred eye liner kind of way. In kinda draining, "look ma no hands" sort of way.

For starters my aunt passed away and that just flat out sucked. You have all these conversations you never want to have like "what color coffin do you want"? I will do a future post on my ideal funeral just to put it down somewhere, but I am too exhausted tonight.

But I did get to see family memembers I haven't seen in forever. And it was a Greek Orthodox funeral and it was like she was lullabied to sleep. I liked that. All these memories I leave behind as an "adult" flooded back and I have yet to process them all out. But many of them are good...

Then it was on to LA cuz Jaclyn bailed out on me and everyone else, actually, in search of herself or something. She moved without telling ANYONE to San Diego. Pretty much sucked for me since that gave me approximately 10 days to move out, go to this funeral, and well, figure out how to be homeless for a while. I was pretty pissed, but I'm getting better. I went down to LA and had a really good time with Caroline and the Red Paintings (especially a particular drummer) and it was really good to see Jac- she is one of my best buds and its just not cool to suddenly have to disconnect a strong friendship like that- made me feel super abandoned.

I came back and had TWO days to move out. TWO! All I gotta say is, thank God for Grandma, Dad and the Rempels! Yeesh!

After that I pounded out 17 hour days to pick up the delegated pieces people screwed up for the Compassion Unleashed Conference. That was a pretty crazy experience! The power went out TWICE! So from a tech standpoint, we had to get pretty inventive. My favorite invention of the day went to Josh Rempel who engineered electricity from his van in the parking lot and brought light to the building! Also triumphant were the 200 candles we lit for a rather romantic morning.

Right now I'm painting and trying to sleep off this cold that's been lingering too damn long.

I have so many things going on creatively- its awesome and I'm just trying to keep up! I move into my new studio on the 15th.
Before that I have the Haiti Comedy night that I'm supposed to create some form of booth for and an art piece to auction off- what I've been currently painting is somewhat dark and I'm not so sure it's event appropriate. Hmmm...
On the 13th is the next Artist Quarters and I will be performing the second day of creation... I kinda want to skip ahead to a different series of seven- the seven deadly sins- but I don't really have the brain capacity tonight...

With all that is ahead and behind me, I was really grateful for this story Brennan Manning shared in his recent book on Tenderness- its about a monk who is being chased by a lion. He slides to the side of a cliff. He starts so slip and sees the jagged rocks below. Should he go back up? He looks up at the snarling lion. No, that wouldn't work. So what does he do? He looks around and sees a patch of strawberries growing. He reaches out and picks a strawberry and says, "Mmm, best strawberry I've ever had".

I probably butchered that story, but I like it right now. Mmmm... the opportunity to write... Mmm... bubble bath. Mmmm... fun cuzzies house with Wii and DDR games... Mmmm... fun things to paint...

BTW, if anyone wants cherries, there's a ton on this tree out here and they'll prob only last the week... come and get it!
XOXO

Happy Valley

2008-04-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

So Jaclyn and I have been wanting to move to the woods for a couple of months now, and the perfect place landed in our laps...
HAPPY VALLEY!
Happy it be! It's about 12 minutes deep from the 17 in thick forest jungle ISH complete with ready to eat garden, kiwi and avocado trees! There's easy hiking to a nearby winery and super chill people on the property!
The main room is hexagon shape which means the bathroom and kitchen are huge.
Its mostly run on propane, and the floor heats up from the bottom- like those butt warmers in cars BUT FOR YOUR FEET! There's a woodfire stove for the cozy factor and the bedrooms are at least 20' x 25'!
So, along the tree house right outside in the works we will be guest ready! Sure it's in the Santa Cruz mountains, but we're told the meth labs are over in Boulder Creek. As long as everyone's fine that I choose to shower and shave, I think we'll all get along fine...
We're just waiting on the final ok... then we are open for creative goodness!

Artist Quarters

2008-04-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

Pics from last night's performance at Artist Quarters.
Thanks to canvas Dan Eisinger, the folks putting on Artist Quarters and all the inspiring artist and musicians!

The idea I had was to do 7 of these to represent the days of creation. But, with only two days to plan my new idea, I decided to keep it simple and do one:

"Let There Be Light"
Acrylic on Human
Approximately 6'
=)

After the initial "ooo a tribal man" and "what the..." I got a lot of "that is the COOLEST thing I have ever seen" and "I love watching you paint"...

Yeah I took a risk doing this at Westgate (I'm not really sure WHY, but I guess it's unusual), but hopefully more people will be encouraged to jump out of those boxes...

Where has all the art gone?

2008-04-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

I am making a seperate blog now for different art projects i attempt.
You can find them HERE. Here's a teaser...
Good old Bob Dylan (my first attempted celebrity)...

It's not a great blog yet and I'm hoping to get a website of sorts up soon... but in the meantime, its something.

Quirky, Veeeeery Quirky.

2008-03-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Am I quirky? Some would just call me flat out weird, but they really love me for it. I think that's nice. It makes me feel really loved to be known, quirks and all, and still treasured. Makes me feel special. So, since Charlie, one of my favorite quirky of quirkies, who can finish my weird thoughts for me, asked to hear 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about myself, I will oblige. Charlie's oh so cool quirky blog inspired a bit of honesty on my part...

Slight tangent, one of my best friends, Sarah, introduced me to the song "That Time" by Regina Spektor with... "You HAVE to hear this song! It reminds me so much of you!"

"Hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines...So cheap and juicy! ...tangerines."

Yeah.

Some quirks...

1) I am cuddly, almost like clockwork, at 10pm. No matter where I am, I will suddenly be more touchy. I am also ridiculously cuddly for about 15 minutes when I wake up. My former cat LOVED this and waited until I woke up so she could stroke my hair with her paws, lovingly look into my eyes and start purring.

2) I am ridiculously in love with the smell of cloves. I used to chain smoke 5 of them in a row just for the smell! (And now have smog and fiberglass asthmatic lungs. yay!) I will gravitate to wherever the smell of cloves is and scour the Internet, health and spa stores for clove essential oil (actually difficult to find) cuz I think it makes a superior perfume. I am told it stimulates the circulation (and creativity) which makes sense to me because I am perpetually cold and in search of anything warm in the vicinity (see #4).

3) I wear beaded bracelets because I like to move them, almost like prayer beads, when I walk. I pretty much always like to have something in my hands and prefer to be on the move. I also should say that, while I'm walking or on the move, I avoid tall straight lined fences that cast distorted long lined shadows on the sidewalk. For some reason, that really makes me feel weird. I'm much more comfortable with circles, like beads and bracelets and chain linked fences, then lines.

4) I am almost always cold. If you are almost always warm, I'll probably be sitting right close to you, as close as I can socially pull off, cuz I'm freezing. This is even more true at night. I sleep with a space heater right next to me. When I was a little girl my sister would crawl in bed with me around 2 in the morning cuz she would get so hot she couldn't sleep and I would absorb all her heat. I'm sure theres something to that physically, something that can be scientifically explained, but for the meantime, I'm just drawn to people that are warm. If there's a fire in the room, I'll be right in front of it until my pants start to smoke...

5) Speaking of weird physical things, I just found out that I have larger than normal (substantially so) optical nerves. So much so that the optomotrist says they have to keep checking them, keep them under observation, just in case it "grows" to glacoma someday. But for now, it's just the way my eyes are, more sensitive. I've always known I had larger than normal pupils. They almost never need to give me those eye drops cuz my eyes naturally take in a lot of light. So why is this weird? Cuz I'm an artist and very sensitive to light and color. I used to read in the dark. It fascinates me that God would make me that way, like physically design me to be an artist. Or, I guess some could argue that I evolved that way and some people end up evolved into artists or poets. But is that true? Can you be more physically pre-disposed to live one way? Charlie says she thinks I have secret superpowers. She definitely might be onto something...
It's probably more like a talent you have to work at. For example, I also have ridiculously good hearing. Like I can hear what people are saying across a house. And I also have long skinny fingers- a freak genetic accident cuz no one in my family has fingers like mine. People predicted I would be a phenomenal piano player, but I just didn't develop that skill as much as other musical instruments, so I never became a great pianist... but maybe I could have been. So, I don't really know what's quirkier here, the fact that I have these bodily quirks or the obsessive fascination I have in analyzing them...

6) If my nails aren't well manicured, I don't feel pretty. I feel like a slob. Nobody ever REALLY told me this makes you slobby, and I don't really think that when I look at other peoples chipping nail polish, but I can't stand looking at my own screwy nails... by the same token, I think paint splattered all over my hands after painting is even prettier. I also think that people writing or paintings on my arms or body might be one of the funnest things ever.

Tag stratagem: I will tag Shannon, Jon and Raquel because I am SUPER interested to see what they will put down as their quirks... you creative funnys you...

Rules:
1. link to the person who tagged you.
2. post the rules.
3. share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. tag at least 3 people.
5. make sure the people you tagged know you tagged them by commenting to them.

We all need a little Poet, don't we?!?

2008-03-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

Bradley Hathaway.
He's the coolest kid in your town, somewhere, maybe.

I just saw him at Vintage Faith Church on the "Dang Dang Tour"...

The Website: http://www.thebradley.net/

The Music: http://www.myspace.com/bradleyhathaway

Let me know whatcha think!

Easter, Nephew, Photoshop-BAH!

2008-03-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Up late tonight Xacto-ing contact paper on pretty birch; making some version of Aaron as Lazurus and ALSO some version of Aaron as Jesus, resurrected, pulling Lazarus up from the dead. Whatever that means- mostly I'm SO happy to have a real model.

Today Charlie blew my mind with photoshop. She saved me from a fate worse than death cuz you can see, in advance, what your painting could look like in different colors. Let's just say my ideas of making a contemporized Icon look pop-esqe would have been a painful choice. Thank you Charlie. (To be performed on Sunday- pictures to follow).

Finally saw Angela and baby Calvin (NOW ONE!) after nearly a month. Calvin is eating real food (Mickey Mouse pancakes!), has more teeth and curls and is kinda walking. Oh, and all that death metal Daddy listens too has seeped in- I have one growling, monster nephew!

New Post, Older Art...

2008-03-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty slow on putting up pictures, but I thought I should still share...

"I take thee in Holy Patrimony"

Acrylic on Canvas

French Lesson of the Day...

2008-03-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

"J'ai ta main"

...Your hand in my hand.

My newest obsessions...

2008-03-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

Ben Harper and the Chunky Strawberry from Jamba Juice.
Seriously, mix in a little spring with the budding trees, sunshine and wind-temperature just right, and I'm happy.
Happy Spring!

I'm in love with...

2008-03-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

BANSKY!

Thank you Urban Outfitters for carrying his book!

I've had a hard time being inspired by much of anything lately and this guy just tugs at my mind and heart in a way that screams "Freedom"!

For more...
http://www.banksy.co.uk/
He and Andy Goldsworthy have my full attention...

Ah Me Lucky Charms!

2008-03-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

They're Magically Delicious! *ping*

The Cuteness hurts... but my procreation skills are mightly encouraged today... hehehe...

"I can't get no... satisfaction"

2008-03-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

“Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water…If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably, earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only arouse it, to suggest the real thing.”
--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

... So, what are your desires?

The Man Who Might Change My Life

2008-02-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

Sounds important yeah?
But he wears a title unassuming.
He is The Ice Cream Man.

I met him last night at Noise Pop's opening party.
http://noisepop.com/2008/

I asked him why he was giving me free ice cream- and also if it was filled with Ruffies.

He told me he basically got fed up with what he was doing and convinced himself he could do anything with his life. And by "anything", he means traveling around the country, handing out free ice cream and reviewing music. He has corporate sponsors like Levi backing him and gotten donations from jakprints and ice cream companies.

So how good are his reviews? You can decide for yourself here:
http://www.icecreamman.com/

I can vouch the ice cream is good. I got a strawberry bar that said "Mexico" all over it. It was wonderful. =)

I was just thinking that was a cool way to do life. I've been fed up with all these things I've been filling my life with and here is a guy handing out ice cream for a living- cuz it's fun!

I totally hugged him.

He's thinking about doing a documentary on what he does and I told him I own a production company and would TOTALLY tour with him.
I guess we'll see...

You can see videos of him here: http://www.myspace.com/icecreamman

Oh & I asked him what music he plays in his ice cream truck. His said he has a friend that makes him music but the old skool dinky kind is the best. You can hear what's he's thumpin these days on his website (see above).

Don't you want to do something else with your life now? =)
I know I do!!!

CREED

2008-02-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

You are a Riddle with no answers,
A Puzzle with no pieces;
A Star fallen from the heavens
To form a crater in my chest.
A Whisper on a vapor
In a land that has no time.
A Promise and a Twinkle
That keeps my heart in rhythm.
The Glimmer in the moonlight,
The Sparky in the fire,
The Dance that keeps my scatterbrain
Snapping an unlearned song.
You are the Wind in the branches
That moves my arms, Invisible.
You're in the moonlight and the ice,
That Blue Sorrow that keeps throbbing.
You're dancing on the waters,
Teaching me to dip and twirl.
You're the Perfect Lover
My heart searches the world for:
A Jester walking a tight rope
Between buoyant living
And a dream of a dream
(Where I like to vacation).
A Muse and a Protector
With very absorbent arms.
The Fire in my chest
Where the hole used to be;
A Riddle with no answers,
A Puzzle with no pieces.

Evangelism

2008-02-24T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'd like to fly forever:
To reach the stardust,
To grab a fist of dreams,
To touch God's bonnet;
I'd throw it down to Earth,
So they'd finally "see the light".

It'd be my final creation
And I'd never look back.

Orphanage...

2008-02-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

It seems inevitable as a creative individual that people will give you room and liberty to dream and then chop your metaphorical balls off-
Poop on your heart, if you will...

Enter the conceptual idea orphanage.

Meet orphan "Gals Getaway Video".

A damn cool idea- do a retro B Movie trailer to motivate people to go on a estrogen-rich retreat.
I was told I'd have a month to produce something great.
I took the bait- ate the dangling carrot, despite my tired-eyed intuition...
What they didn't tell me was that it would take THREE of those FOUR weeks to APPROVE a fairly easy concept (it's a known genre, for crying out loud!).
And now I'm getting bitched at for not wrangling FREE actors and filmmakers to make something IN A FREAKIN WEEK!
Gonna give em the finger... gonna... almost...
Here's the PG version...

Am I a capable producer? Yes.
Will I make crap? No wanna...

The orphanage is opening its doors to the abandoned dreams and ideas...

Apparently I need a new muse.
A quick turn-around, fast-thinking, corporate muse... ya know, a whore.
Yeah, pissed off today.

Post Wedding

2008-02-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

Boo Baptist Teetotaling Reception! Hurray Weirdo Acalapulco Karaoke Birthday Party we crashed...
Wedding AND Birthday Cake? Can't complain...
See?
Chaz will eat his umbrella if you'll let him dance!

At least we're hot...

And fun...

But seriously, there's a reason why Jesus' first miracle was changing water into wine at a wedding...

What's Goin On...

2008-02-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

We out-sang the poor girl doing karaoke.
If you look closely, you can actually see me smack Auburn!

If I was a Mythological Creature...

2008-01-30T09:42:00.000-08:00

And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past
-Ani

You Are a Phoenix

Driven and ambitious, you tend to acquire material success easily.

You have grand schemes - both for your own life and for changing the whole world.

You are a great leader, and you have no problem taking the reigns.

However, you aren't all business. You also have great talents for performing and visual arts.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

NO...

2008-01-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

One day I'll learn that word...
One day I'll use it...
Until then... don't wait up!

Dear Sirs,

2008-01-29T18:36:00.001-08:00

Regretfully, I will not be able to paint your six bodies over this weekend's services due to a most unfortunate step-sister wedding I must attend. The invitation, which came last Friday, was sudden, unexpected, and unanticipated. While I would LOVE to still be able to paint your bodies (I am partial to human canvases, afterall) and decline said wedding, I am told it would oppose all things mannered and honorable.

Puttin' it in the Piggy Bank,
Trina

Somedays I wish I was a Centenarian

2008-01-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

I talked to Mom.
She said don't swear because it's not ladylike.

She said she feels the same way I do
Even though she doesn't-
I'm still going through a quarter life crisis;
She's going through a mid-lifer.

Mine's all about identity, truth & striving.
Her's is about men & menopause & a second shot at life.
My life has yet to begin.

Mine's all about jobs & marriage-
Who am I going to be?
What do I want to accomplish?
Who do I want to share life with?

Her's is about-
Where did I get lost?
What did I want to do and didn't?
Why did I marry those bastards?

She said life is hard for everyone.
She said its short and not to take it seriously.
I said,
"I know.
I'm fully ready to check out
& get on with the good stuff".

She said:
1) Smile
2) Read a Book
3) Listen to Music
4) Watch a Movie

I said, "That's escaping".
She said that I laugh and have fun.
I said, "That's escaping too".

She said I have good days & bad days.
She said today's bad, but I'll have a good one soon.

I said, "thanks for encouraging me",
Because I don't want her to give up on me & stop calling.

For some reason, that scares me more.

Negative Two to Thirty

2008-01-04T16:48:00.001-08:00

Now that I'm turning 28 tomorrow, does this mean I have to start "getting my shit together"?
Boo.

Hero Words.

2007-12-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;
I'm on your side.
when times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down..
Sail on silver(guy),
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine...
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

???

2007-12-22T12:21:00.001-08:00

What does the word "Holy" really mean?

I feel like all my associations are incorrect: the only thing that really comes close in my understanding is "clean" or "special" or "socially unacceptable" as in- don't stand there, walk there, touch that- you'll be frowned upon (like churches, historical monuments, etc...) or a phrase, "Holy Bathwater Batman!"...

I don't think that's what Holy means.

I was reading the whole Moses burning bush thing where God tells Moses to take off his sandals b/c he is standing on "Holy ground".

What does that mean?

Especially during Advent, as we grapple with a Holy God descending to be a baby, but still existing in perfection- still being "Holy"- where you can touch the robe of his Holy garment and be healed...

What does that mean?

I feel like I have daily examples of what it is NOT, but this word Holy can't simply mean "the opposite of sin", it is a SOMETHING...

"Holy"... huh.

MOVIE Reviews

2007-12-17T01:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd help you out- what do you spend your $10 on at the theater? As it happens, I've been seeing some movies lately and here's what I think...

1) I Am Legend
Great movie and worth seeing in a theater. I saw the first midnight showing with friends and the audience's energy was great. Shorter on plot and slower than "28 days later" (Not to mention I'm rather sad Cillian Murphy wasn't in this one), but thick with emotion. And I liked the Bob Marley tie in. I still don't know how I feel about these zombies- I think I'm anti-CGI currently... which leads me to...

2) Beowolf
DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Stay home and watch someone play a video game. Same thing. Totally needless gore that made me feel weird well into the day after I saw the movie.
Note to moviemakers- unless you are bringing something AMAZING to the table- lay off re-making the classics. Obviously the story has lasted this long in its form- do you really need to create this whole she-demon plot line? Boo.

3) Enchanted
Well, I liked it- I thought it was cute and good at reminding every woman why she's beautiful and that love is possible. However, I don't know the characters really made up their minds about what love should look like (a fairytale or "our world") by the end, and I feel like Disney was trying to just please people. I'm not going to recommend you see this- but if you happen to be babysitting and the kids want to watch this, it's not terrible.

4) Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
I liked it. There were a lot of questions I had afterwards, but I don't think there's a lot of movies with well-developed plots this season. It's like summer movies were wrapped in a magical, imaginative package and labeled "Christmas, if you can".
Ok, back to the movie. I thought it was well acted, it served it's inspirational purpose and the kids liked it. I mostly liked the titles and credits and the sock monkey that broke my heart.
See it for a holiday movie- otherwise wait for it on DVD.

5)Hitman
Good. Granted I love movies like this. Thin on plot line (see above before I rant again), but definitely enjoyable. Brutal, cold, calculating, strong, peaceful ala Keanu Reeves leadman really made it worthwhile.
I prefer watching action movies in the theater but if you are none-the-wiser, wait for DVD.

6)Fred Claus
Yes I saw it- with family after a tree lighting ceremony. It was funny and light, but it had the cheesy-ultimate-christmas-ending ending, which made me wish Wayne and Garth were around to take me through at least two other additional endings.
I'd say, watch if for Christmas on DVD next year or see it on Christmas Day.

Well that's 6. That's like I just saved you $60, really.

Here's what I'm spending money on next:

"Juno"
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/juno/

and "Nightmare Before Christmas" in 3D.

Favorite Poems Today

2007-12-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd share- hopefully you've heard the readings...
I've been in a very melancholy, dark mood all week. And these and dancing has been the only thing making me light.

(This one is dedicated to Adam and Danny- remembering a certain ocean suicide I wished for and never got a few years ago...)

The Ocean Doesn't Want Me Today
By Tom Waits

The ocean doesnt want me today
But Ill be back tomorrow to play
And the strangles will take me
Down deep in their brine
The mischievous braingels
Down into the endless blue wine
Ill open my head and let out
All of my time
Id love to go drowning
And to stay and to stay
But the ocean doesnt want me today
Ill go in up to here
It cant possibly hurt
All they will find is my beer
And my shirt
A rip tide is raging
And the life guard is away
But the ocean doesnt want me today
The ocean doesnt want me today

(This one is dedicated to Tim and our soaring Wings of Desire... and maybe Skippy too, since I can't seperate Skippy from Circuses- for which I will forever be simultaneously grateful and irritated... and to the word "spittle")

Circus
By Tom Waits

We put up our tent on a dark
Green knoll, outside of town by
The train tracks and a seagull dump
Topping the bill was Horse Face Ethel
And her 'Marvellous Pigs In Satin'

We pounded our stakes in the ground
All powder brown
And the branches spread like scary
Fingers reaching
We were in a pasture outside Kankakee

And One Eyed Myra, the queen of
The galley who trained the
Ostrich and the camels
She looked at me squinty with her
One good eye in a Roy Orbison
T-shirt as she bottle fed
An orangutan named Tripod

And then there was
Yodeling Elaine the
Queen of the air who wore a
Dollar sign medallion and she
Had a tiny bubble of spittle
Around her nostril and a
Little rusty tear, for she had
Lassoed and lost another
Tipsy sailor

And over in
The burnt yellow tent
By the frozen tractor, the
Music was like electric sugar
And Zuzu Bolin played
'Stavin' Chain' and Mighty
Tiny on the saw and he
Threw his head back with a
Mouth full of gold teeth
And they played 'Lopsided heart'
And 'Moon over Dog Street'

And by the time they played "Moanin Low"
I was soakin' wet and wild eyed
And Doctor Bliss slipped me a
Preparation and I fell asleep with
'Livery Stable Blues' in my ear

And me and Molley Hoey drank
Pruno and Koolaid and she had a
Tattoo gun made out of a cassette
Motor and a guitar string and
She soaked a hanky in 3 Roses
And rubbed it on the spot
And drew a rickety heart and
A bent arrow and it hurt like hell

And Funeral Wells spun
Poodle Murphy on the target
As he threw his hardware,
Only once in Sheboygan did he miss
At a matinee on Diamond Pier and
She'd never let him forget it

They were doing two shows and she
Had a high fever and he took
Off a piece of her ear and
Tip Little told her she should
Leave the bum
But Poodle said, "He fetched me
Last time I run."
But I'd like to hammer this ring into a bullet
And I wish I had some whiskey and a gun
My dear

And I wish I had some whiskey and a gun
My dear

Dancer Seeking Audience

2007-12-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

I am in a Christmas Musical- not the organized kind, but the variety show "ya never know what you're gonna get" kind.

We're performing in a decorated gym and the money all goes to local schools...

And we've sold out- to amazing, energetic crowds!

I wake up feeling geriatric, not sure if I should get out of bed or not. I am beyond feeling sore- the soreness has seeped into a creaking in my bones- especially my hips. It makes me feel way less sexy and young than I appear to be while dancing.

I also am bummy during the day but feel AMAZING and high while dancing. I'm gonna need some balance STAT!

Last night I was asked to be involved in this year's Spring musical- last year they did "Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".

I guess I need to find out what they mean by "Spring"- because I'm already producing the "Compassion Unleashed"-now national- Conference in May.

Some may wonder why I do so much- is it ambition? the inability to say "no"? too intense? But I think that all those responses miss something major- I am having fun and I am exploring many artistic mediums- not just the ones that benefit them.

I express something different when in each medium: When I dance, I express my fun, silly, and girly side and soak in the audiences energy. When I act, I express my imagination, explore situations and recall sensations from my body. When I paint- I express connection between ideas floating around in my head within a peaceful immediacy. When I direct, I express love and trying to bring out the best in someone. When I produce, I express power and my ability to perfect, organize and create with a big vision. When I make music, I express raw emotions, hidden parts of my heart, and connect them with the hearts of others. When I write, I release my inner world, a little.

So, as you can see- I'm not really a people pleaser. I'm actually quite narcissitic. But a dancer cannot survive without her audience- and I love them for it.

Bag Lady

2007-12-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel like my life is lived in bags.
Shopping Bags, Travel Bags, Plastic Bags...
Each bag has been transporting one area of my life to another-
Here is a present,
Here's your required appetizer,
Here's my dance shoes,
Here's my costume,
Here's my make-up...
Here I am in a bag...
One day I'll be transported in a body bag and forgotten beneath the Earth's surface.
Transitory Bag Lady.

What's in a word?

2007-12-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

My Mom swears my first word was "Sauvignon"...

...and my sister Angela's was "Rollercoaster".

She also says I was the only one of her four children that had an imaginary friend.

...WINE drinking imaginary friend...

Blaze!

2007-12-06T23:42:00.000-08:00

Today I went on a walk to the liquor store to see if I could stomach my minds ambition, and I kid you not, I saw a tree that looked like it was on fire but in leaf form!

I met this guy at Matt Patterson's Halloween party that told me that trees worship the sun, their life-giving force, and teach us how we are to worship God. Their leaves follow the sun as it moves through the day, reaching towards the sun (I think that's actually certain types of flowers, but I wasn't about to stop his theorizing). Then in the fall, they turn the color of flames to reflect the sun, reminding us of purification, self-sacrifice and the cycles of death. In the winter they are colorless, leafless, mourning the loss of the sun, and in the spring they jump back to life and are re-born. The tree cannot live without the sun and, is trying to mimic it.

As I listened to it, I thought, "uh huh, definitely in the Bay Area. Thank you hippie Mister". But something resonated with me that I couldn't put my finger on until I saw this flaming tree today of oranges and reds and yellows. I put a fallen leaf in my purse hoping that next time I go searching in my purse for something on a grey and dreary day, I'll find a little bit of color again.

It is amazing how even the smallest amount of rain changes the way I see color, especially reds and greens. Have you ever watched a person with red hair as they walked outside on a grey day? I kid you not, their head stands out and makes the world a better place! I always swear I am going to re-dye my hair red when it rains and instead I end up watching "Moulin Rouge" or humming something from "The Little Mermaid".

I am thankful for something warm and color-infused in the middle of a murky grey. I have never been a great fan of grey. I know it's supposed to say "sophisticated" and "foundational" but to me is says "lethargy" and "dull".

I guess, what I am trying to say poorly is this- you never know what lies beneath the surface of a grey day. Although you might be particularly gloomy, someone else might be on a walk for the first time post-food poisoning discovering a flame-like tree, humming "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" and trying not to slip on a big grease puddle.

And that my friends is something you can put in your "Chicken Soup for the Soul" pipe and smoke!

Target's Cheese Pizza: NOT Your Friend!!!

2007-12-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

Now, it may not come as a surprise to some that eating a personal cheese pizza from Target's "Pizza Hut" is asking for trouble... However, in my delirium of shopping, I decided to listen to my very cranky stomach at nearly 10pm and partook of such a pizza.

I should have thought twice about the fact that someone else had vomited in the Target bathroom. I should have thought thrice when the girl traded out my pizza box with another saying, "uh, here. This one's more fresh". Oh, but my stomach was not to be stopped! It would not listen to my brain shouting, "you don't even LIKE cheese!" No, it set it's rumblings about that little box of cardboard and would have no other.
What it didn't know is what really laid inside was a large amount of bacteria lovingly placed inside a gooey, round shaped facade.

Just look at this ad and tell me, would your stomach be fooled?!?

This ad is RIGHT! While some pizza companies might want to lay off adding bacteria to their personal pan pizzas, Pizza Hut refuses to cut corners!

That's right my lovely readers, I ended up with the WORSE case of food poisoning I have EVER had in my life!!!

At some point yesterday, when I was trying to figure out how to get out my predicament, I landed on Web MD's article on "Recognizing Food Poisoning"as well as a few other web articles. Not only did I have every single one of the symptoms (except for the ones for "Botulism", thank the good Lord above), I found them to be quite incomplete in their descriptions. So I thought it only fair to "talk shop" with you all and share my new knowledge...

"Food poisoning is a common, yet distressing and sometimes life-threatening problem for millions of people in the U.S., and throughout the world. People infected with foodborne organisms may be symptom-free or may have symptoms ranging from mild intestinal discomfort to severe dehydration and bloody diarrhea. Depending on the type of infection, people can even die as a result of food poisoning.
More than 250 different diseases can cause food poisoning. Some of the most common diseases are infections caused by bacteria, such as Campylobacter, Salmonella, Shigella, E. coli O157:H7, Listeria, and botulism." (Thanks WebMD!)

(Basically, it's a very wordy way of saying "Expect to feel like you've been flushed down the toilet... A FEW TIMES!")

And now... a drum roll for the symptoms...

Acute Vomiting
Acute Diarrhea

Basically "acute" is a nice way of saying expect a large stick of dynamite to be implanted into your stomach and not know which way it's going to explode- if you're lucky, expect it to go off at the same time! Yay!

Abdominal Pain and Cramping

OK, now, being a lady, I am no stranger to the abdominal pain and cramping... let me tell you, this was NOT it! This felt like open wounds inside my body and my abdominal muscles were convulsing in a major temper tantrum!

Nausea

I think this means "sick to your stomach". Uh, pretty sure the acute vomiting and diarrhea and abdominal pain and cramping had this one covered... nausea... sheesh!

Fever and Chills

Imagine your worst day having the flu- the sweating, the shaking, the seeing weird things that aren't there- on top of all these other symptoms. Oh yeah, that was a blast. I had my face up against my open window and was surrounded in a million blankets.

Malaise (what they in the medical profession define as "general uneasiness")

OK, now this might at first glance seem like a no brainer. But let me tell you what lie beneath the whole malaise surface... a restlessness that cannot be quenched. When you've thrown up for the SIXTH time, rest is your friend- but I could NOT lay still! I swear to you that my SKIN hurt!

Headaches

Once the majority of the Acute Vomiting and Diarrhea had subsided, I realized I had had a headache the whole time. Isn't that weird? One of the ones on the top and sides of the head, like someone had been scrunching it for the last 24 hours. Probably fever related.

Now, here's what the medical professionals in their weird, impersonal way left out. If you have food poisoning, you can expect the following:

Standing up WILL make you throw up again. I tried to walk halfway down the driveway (we're talking less than 50 yards) to meet my step-mom holding a bag of grocery goodies for me and after her heart-felt welcome of "Don't we look lovely" (followed by my groan and her hugging me and saying) "poor baby", I had to say, "uh, thanks, I gotta go..." ... run to the bathroom and throw up for the millionth time!

Drinking water is a BAD idea (expect to see that again in about 5 minutes).

Eating more than half a Popsicle is straight out (although it adds color to a rather unpleasant situation, so, for the aesthetically minded, maybe this may offer a humorous small relief).

In fact drinking more than about a tablespoons worth of bright blue powerade or pedialite is not possible (both would make you want to vomit under any other circumstances, but today, they are your best friends!).

Your family, regardless of any post-Thanksgiving tiffs, are truly your best friends!

You will smell, your house will smell, everything smells, because vomit is coming out of your nose!

If you have OCD, you also have my sympathy! I literally had a swarm of small fruit flies circling around my body at one point. I totally felt like Pig Pen! THIS IS NORMAL! Just try to embrace the disgusting- I tried taking a shower, because I couldn't handle it anymore, and that completely backfired!

If you can't eat food yet, you really shouldn't be thinking about going back to work. This is a tough one for me, but important! Do you really want that gurgling stomach and intestine to stay gurgling all week?

And, most importantly, call the health department and the manager of the store! If you can sit up, you're getting back the fight in you!!! =)

So, from all my research, it appears that the cheese in my pizza was not properly pasteurized. Someone phone Louis Pasteur!!! STAT!

The moral of my story is this: Target's Pizza Hut Personal Cheese Pizza- NOT your friend!!!

The sub-moral might be this: Vegan, it really IS better for your health!

Beautiful Day: A reflection

2007-11-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

At some point in this mad naive agreement to film the MANY events for Beautiful Day ( I thought the 12 projects were for the YEAR not in A SINGLE DAY!!!), my role shifted from filmmaker (controlled, experienced, professional) to listener.
I feel like I learned so much that will take me a while to sort out that the experience actually feeled a bit like film school all over again... (everyone worked for free, equiptment was donated, locations were free, people didn't care about contracts, amatuer actors/characters, and ::gasp:: I didn't even need a single permit this whole shoot! And, of course, I worked a million hours for free... and spent the night in an editing bay... grr...)
Anyways, back to the part about being a listener... people STILL are pouring their stories down my ears! The part that surprises me most about this is that I'm not sick of it- not tired. In fact I just feel my heart expanding. It's like I didn't know I had the love let alone the energy to hear what's going on with that person until they are in front of my face and the Spirit slowly opens up my ears and heart.
There have been incredible stories. Some now documented, others that I still need to follow up on, but I thought I'd share some of them from each project and unload my brain a bit- please feel free to help me process thru these!

Beautiful Bounty-
The two stories that stick out the most:
1) Jim called the family he was "adopting" to ask them what they would like for Thanksgiving dinner. They said, "actually we need soap, laundry detergent... could you bring that instead?" (Have you been there? I have. ) So Jim put together something awesome and went to deliver it. His adopted family was loading their cars full of personal belongings to sell at a Flea Market b/c they were going to be evicted in 3 days. Jim and his wife prayed about it and decided to take their money from their month's Impact budget (church offering- pre-commited) and gave it to the family. It was enough to help them stay until January, and we just heard yesterday that one of the people in the family got a job and starts in January. The timing was perfect! And all because Jim responded to the needs he saw and not what the project required.
(I have TONS of stories like this in my head... and no emotional vent yet... I think it's time for me to paint for a while...)
2) Valerie, the project leader, went thru this total transformation. She was trying to control the event and balance the number in need with the number of volunteers. She would panic and try to cling onto the project. This was unsuccessful and detrimental to the project. So, she decided she would surrender it to God and, in faith, move forward... and she was given absolutely everything she needed, each time. I am STILL getting the small stories that make up this overarching theme. Faith means letting go, yet still moving forward... I was learning that, but I felt like maybe I still have a lot more to learn about trusting other people, especially when they aren't in a union, aren't professionals and I've never really seen their work!

Blood Drive
The pastor couldn't give blood b/c he had just gotten back from scoping out Africa- checking out where we as a church should serve. The problems of Africa are monumental and the leadership didn't want to just sign up with what was already available- we wanted to scope it out and see where the need reall was.
He apparently went to a small village in Zambia on the blood drive "no go" list... I might go on that trip, if it doesn't conflict with the Compassion Unleashed Conference. Anyways, he had just gotten back, and he was there.
There were lots of other AMAZING stories of people who were serving in major other ways that showed up to give blood in spite of it.
I felt guilty I didn't give. Plus I've always wanted to know my blood type for real. But, in retrospect, I don't think I would have gotten thru all those locations, a blind date, a night of capturing, a morning of shooting, a day of editing, and a screening, if I'd given blood. I barely made it thru with all my veins had to give!

Car Clinic & Day Spa
My heart really goes out to single moms. There's probably a lot to unpack there, but for whatever reason, this event to take care of widows, single moms and wives of military personel really hit my heart. I think a lot of that was the filmming.
Mike Mahaffie and I went to this one single mom's house. This woman was a MESS- her boyfriend, the father of the child, just died in February. So, in many ways she was both a single mom and a widow now. She was living with her mom who was overbearing. Her mom had also been a single mom. I can't help but still feel for the little child, Shashanna. There was this one moment when were shooting in emotional chaos where Shahanna started playing with Shaggy and Scooby Doo on the table. We filmmed it and it was the calm in the eye of the storm. It's like, no matter what happens, kids still play out what is not available in the room- they are saved by play. I felt like Mike, Shashanna and i really bonded in that moment. Well, maybe Mike and I bonded more in the editing suite and shooting with less that 5 hours of sleep in 3 days... If the Turtles were there they'd sing, "so delirous together..."
So, I really felt for this woman, and the truth is, I don't think the car clinic and day spa made that much of a difference. I feel like it opened up a door to connect with women and form the relationships they so need, but if the church doesn't follow up until next years car clinic and day spa, i think we missed something important.

I need to take a break from the computer and get coffee. It IS 11:33am afterall...
This is only the tip of the iceberg.
More to come...

But can I just say I love the Red Paintings? http://www.theredpaintings.com/

Thanksgiving Check UP

2007-11-23T19:00:00.001-08:00

So Thanksgiving was yesterday, if you didn't notice.
And with Thanksgiving comes this slew of thoughts for me...

Thoughts like:

Why is this the grossest holiday created?

Think about it- the day that celebrates gluttony, followed by the day that celebrates consumerism and overspending (Hmmm... Credit Card debt with a side of "maybe mom will like this... maybe?"). , followed by murder a tree day, followed by Pray-to-Jesus-for-forgiveness for your stupid weekend-Day...

Why?

Why hang onto dumb traditions- I rarely have fun with my family on these kinds of occassions. I find that weird- I have fun with them the day before and the day after- but holidays feel formal in the not so fun way. I end up feeling bored and resentful, quiet and in my own Trina Universe where people don't ask you if you eat "Tofurkey" because they think they're funny and clever when really they're just ignorant and picking on you b/c they don't want to be there either!

Seriously...
Why is it fun to stare at a stuffed bird's ass?
Why is it fun to eat your brains out then sit for a long time, sleepy, with the people that know how to annoy you the most?

Thanksgiving's boring and I can't figure out how...

"stuffing yourself" = "Thankfulness".

WHY NOT> have a hotel room bash with friends? Play music? Stay home and make art? Go see a movie before everyone else does? Skip the dinner dulldrums and go hiking with your fam? Repaint your toe nails?

Seriously, I'm not so much a fan of what holidays have become.

I like Halloween. You get to dress up and go dancing.

I used to L.O.V.E!!! Christmas! I would create dramas, dances and poetry for my (obedient) siblings and I to perform for the family. We'd dress up in pretty dresses and go to the Four Seasons and twirl like princesses! There was a mystery then, a tangible sense of magic. I'd like that back, thank you very much...

I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I prefer to show people I'm thankful for them often and buy them things as I think of them b/c you never know when you're gonna die or THEY'RE gonna die and you can say those things anymore... so I get pissed off at all this pre-fabricated holiday B.S. that was primarily created to help companies stay in business during the cold winter months...

Holidays are almost always the most lonely days of the year. I don't get that either. I can be in a room full of 30 people- people I love, people I want to hang with, and I'll still be stuck in this intense longing.

Sum up, Trina, Sum up...

I guess I'd rather be filled with contentment than Turkey on Thanksgiving.

Warrior Princess #1

2007-11-08T12:36:00.001-08:00

“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”-Joan of Arc

Woody Allen Makes Me Giggle...

2007-10-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I sometimes think it's no coincidence that Dianne Keaton and I share the same birthday...
other times I think, man, if only I'd stayed in there longer, I could've shared my birthday with Elvis!
But, say-la-WEEE!!!!

Here's some quotes to keep you giggling:

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

Letter to No One #1

2007-09-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

I wake up in a cold sweat
Dreaming of memories never created
I still feel your skin
Surrounding my skin
I still feel your whispers
Crawling down my neck
I still feel two minds
Touching each other

Was it ever safe to open the eye of my soul?

I feel you steady beside me
But I'm waiting for you to bolt.
We travelled to so many worlds
And survived the planet Earth together
Without barely moving at all.

I've said goodbye so many times
And "I hate you's" become a lullaby
But when my eyes close
And my body surrenders to:

The truth of a heart still beating
The electricity of a brain still pulsing
The gentleness of a spirit still singing

I find you there.

AND I: Wake Up.
AND I: Shower off the memories.
AND I: Start another painful day without you.

Today's Fortune Cookie Says...

2007-07-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

"Wine should be taken in small doses,

knowledge in large ones."

Pretty ironic since I'm supposed to be off alcohol & caffeine (grr) and done with my Theology class by tomorrow.
Good thing Theology classes give you 10 day extensions!
We'll see what my caffeine jitters have to say tomorrow morning!
Maybe they'll say, "let's have tea".
My "prize" for finishing Theology class will be getting to read the final Harry Potter book... also kinda ironic, I guess.

Hmm... Here's yet another good reason to be a veggie!

2007-07-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

I wanted to celebrate my TWENTIETH blog by posting this hilarious fact about cows!

"Producing one kilo of beef generates more CO2 than a three-hour drive while all the lights are left on at home, a new Japanese study concludes."

So, it's okay to drive and leave your lights on if you're a vegetarian?!?

Or grind beef with your teeth if you ride your bike everywhere and use candles and hand fans?!?

Global Cool has such good ideas!
(For those of you who do not know about "Global Cool", it is a global warming non-profit formed by scientists and celebrities... & most notably by Orlando Bloom.)

You can read the WHOLE article here:
http://www.globalcool.org/en/2007/07/20/beefing-up-the-atmosphere/

Happy chomping!

Atoms for Peace

2007-07-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

I heard this song on the way back from LA.

I am posting it in dedication to the people I love and am leaving behind...

"No more going to the dark side

with your flying saucer eyes

No more falling down a wormhole

that I have to pull you out

The wriggling, squiggling worm inside

Devours from the inside out

No more talk about the old days

It's time for something great

I want you to get out

And make it work

So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms

Peel all of your layers off

I want to eat your artichoke heart

No more leaky holes in your brain

And no false starts

I wanna get out

And make it work

So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms

I wanna get out

And make it work

I want you to get out

And make it work

I'll be ok

So many lies

So many lies

So many lies

So feel the love come off of them

And take me in your arms"

(Thank you Thom Yorke!!!)

I'm in LA today...

2007-07-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

"This is the foreign land
With the Spray-on Tan
...And it all feels 'fine'"
-The Shins

My wandering mind:
****************************************************
The land of smokey grayness
Not from fog or magic or steam
A mute button over the colors of the earth
So you'd better look more pretty
more shiny
more something...
who are you today, pretty one?
what will you say and how will you smile tonight?
I dub thee "Botox Squeeky Red Nose BOBO"
*****************************************************
I can recall the names of wounds by exits off the freeways.
Drive on
Further
Move away
Further
The prickles of the 210
The crushing of the 110
The lost dream and lingering false hopes of the 134.
And then there's "home"
Off the Azusa blvd exit.
The only exit of peace.
And the only one I should drive on past.
***********************************************
People are exhausted here.
There's no color, so you have to provide it.
There's no escaping traffic, so you sit in glazed eyed numbness
Or you pull off and wait, in your car, til you can go home and rest.
Put off rest another hour.
MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!
There's still some things I love about here.
I have crazy fun times.
But there's little place to land,
and no one can stay put in one place long enough to land with.
The mantra of this town is:
"What do you do? & How can I use you?"
I just want to make them all a cup of hot chocolate and tell them they are still beautiful.
I want to curl them up in a blanket by the licking flame fire and let them be at peace.
You are you. Let God fill in the colors.
*********************************************************************************
I saw a rainbow in the clouds on the trip up over a long stretch of nowhere.
A promising banner, that nowhere is still somewhere in the heart of it's Creator.
I am still somewhere.
He makes everything beautiful.

INSPI(RED) to plead GUILTY

2007-07-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

So, the woman who robbed me in Mariposa (see other post) has finally plead guilty.
She was wearing my shirt in prison, the one that says "INSPI(RED)".
SOoooooooo hilarious!!!
The district attorney sent me a picture to identify my "property". Since the evidence of her WEARING MY SHIRT IN PRISON was overwhelming, she has finally plead guilty.
She's getting four years of felony probation, rehab and 6 months jail time. One other little drunk in public or drop-kicking of her child in public and she's off to felony prison for four years.
Sucks.
But if the truth's not working, the Product (RED) shirt will set you free...
HA! I'm a dork!

Spinning

2007-06-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my head is spinning...

Closer to my heart's desire

And further from MY plans.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

But thank you just the same...

Replacing the cynic,

standing on her head so long

she doesn't know which way is up,

Or down...

...mostly down.

With a hope that cuts my heart open and spills it on the floor

for all to see

in a sleepy starbucks

(A caffeinated, comatose called consumerism)

I heard the 5 best stories of my life

and I wonder if I am alive.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

You heard my heart?!?

All along? You listened?

You LISTENED?!?

Break dancers alongside 4 piece string quartets?

Graffiti next to the hand smeared portrait of you?

YOU LET US BACK IN!?!

When did you start loving artists again?

Even I was beginning to lose faith...

Stop it! You're rescuing me?

I hope if you crush my heart, it's still safe.

I hope if I hear you sing, I can still shout and scream!

I hope you hold me-and hold me-and hold me...

(I can't breathe.)

I hope I'm not a mediocre disappointment...

I hope I remember how to praise you.

It's the only thing I wanted all along...

Adventures in Campbell

2007-06-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

Shannon and I were driving home from Santana Row. We had exchanged my chipped and poop-colored squircle plates (deceptively labeled as "espresso") that I had ordered online at Urban Outfitters. I had already eaten my "Jamaica Me Crazy" Sorbet in the sprinkle covered cone from Ben and Jerry's... What are two 20-somethings supposed to do in Yuppy-ville on a Friday night?

So, Shannon asks me: What do we do now?
Me: I wonder if you can climb the water tower in Campbell!
Shannon: They have a water tower in Campbell?
Me: Yeah, it's how you know you're in Campbell.

We drove and got lost and found the water tower, because we are monkeys on the inside. Sadly, there were long metal sheets covering the places you could crawl up the legs of the tower. So, we started semi-crawling on the cables. I mean, we're there, right?

A man on a bike drove by in the dark, a passing shadow, and shouted:
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Shannon: I think there's a cop.
AND
Shannon (to the guy): Do what?
I laughed.

Sure enough, this white, slightly overweight in that surburbian-kind-of-way, cop gets out of his clever jeep-turned- enforcement vehicle.

Cop: What are you guys doin?
Shannon: Oh, we thought we could climb to the top. But then we found out we couldn't.
Me: Yeah. It's one of those legendary things you always think about: Can you climb to the top of Campbell Tower? Now we know we can't.
Cop: Have you ladies been drinking?
Us: (laughing) No.
Shannon: But you can test us if you want to .
Me: (looking up) It looks a lot bigger from far away doesn't it?
Cop: What would you have done if you got to the top?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I guess you can't even really walk around up there, can you?
Cop: Actually they have a cat walk around the container.
Shannon: Oh, can people go up there sometimes?
Cop: No.
Me: Well, I guess we'll just go swing on those swings over there, since this is kind of a let-down. It was a passing whimsy.

Shannon's turn to laugh.

Cop: Well you guys be careful.
Us: Okay.

The cop gets back in his car.

Shannon (to the jeep-turned-enforcement-vehicle): We won't try to kill ourselves.
Me (in my mind): Oh, he thought we were gonna commit suicide?
Me (Out loud): And we won't set off fireworks and burn down your beautiful Campbell.

We swang on the swings and talked. All I could think about was what a stupid death jumping off of Campbell's water tower would be. I mean, how undramatic!

For "Le Dan Man"

2007-06-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

ME:

"I just want to get thru life without having to say, 'This is my husband. We met on eHarmony.com'".

=P

I Miss: *

2007-06-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

The bats under the eaves
Busily keeping the night in motion.
(I'M ALIVE!)
The cats meowing at my door
To cuddle and purr and scratch.
(LET ME IN!)
The dancing fires licking the air
Feeding my soul, my heart, my mind
(I CREATE!)
The crawling fluffy moss roof
So safe, yellow green, so safe!
(PROTECT ME!)
The song, the dance of the creek
Always feeding, nurturing, helping.
(I'M HEALING!)
The turtle, the toad on the rock
Lying lazy in the sun.
(I AM NOT ALONE!)
The tall daisies, the little purple flowers
Lining the wild grasses.
(YOU CANNON CONTAIN ME!)
The trees, Oh God, THE TREES!
Oh ancient new, you hold much wisdom!
(HELP ME GROW!)

*You cannot tie what I love with a bow; What I miss is wild.

Boodah

2007-06-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'd like you all to meet my new roommate... Boodah, the cutest French Mastiff EVER!!!
He and I are buds! He's only 6 months old right now and already over 80 lbs!!!
He's been winning doggy modelling contests!
He doesn't like men, including my Dad, who has to bring beef jerkey when he comes over as a peace offering.
I Luuuuuuuuuv him!!!

Moving Sucks- but I'm doing it Anyways!

2007-06-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

I have to move AGAIN! I hate that. Rather than tell everyone individually what is going on with me, I'm posting up an email I recently sent to a dear friend, because I think it shows my heart well:

************************************************************************************
Hey Girlie! I just wanted to update you and thank you for your prayers that God would speak to my "gut"!

I had an excellent meeting with Kristin (youth group leader) the next day and, essentially, she offered to mentor me and said "I don't know where we as a church dropped the ball, but with you, it is obvious that we did".

So I have decided to move back to san jose and have found a house in willow glen with some other girls that are on the same journey, but at different places.

... I am hoping and praying God will be opening (their) hearts as we create this online community for women our age and showing them and others that the church has NOT forgotten about them, that there IS a place for them and their gifts and talents, and that the church is willing to admit they made some mistakes and wounds and is ready to be open about that shame and embrace corporate healing.

I feel that is especially what this all means to me and my relationship with Kristin in her open acknowlegement that she was teaching us some faulty things, doing the best that she could at the time, but seeing that myself and several other women of our church left or had no place and that she wants to initiate the healing process by going back to the wound and opening up dialogue about what was and is going on in the church.

(No woman my age or near my age in our church is married. Several of them have had kids and are single mothers- and have left our church. Maybe out of shame, maybe out of being ostracized. Either way, the gossip behind the back thing needs to die. UGGG-AHH-LLYYY!!!)

I am very excited about what the Lord has planned for this very vibrant age/gender group and so blessed to be apart of the conversation. Obviously, corporate confession is not something that has been traditionally easy for the ana-baptist sector of Protestantism. I know it will be difficult and will mean I will have to go to the wound, and be open about my experiences- shame and all. But I know that it is necessary, not only to help others and pour the gifts of comfort that Christ is giving me into them, but also for my own healing and development and for that of my family (and their relationship with "church").

I have always been very passionate about women, especially the single women and how the church has neglected to acknowlege them. I just think it is amazing that God would lead Kristin to a place where she would be open to talking about this.

I am also looking forward to being mentored by her, as she addressed the positive aspects of being a strong woman and I think she will help me shape the use of that gift, rather than use it to control and manipulate, but to be sensitive and use it to develop and nurture others and love them.

She confirmed several things that people have been saying to me lately- one of which that I'm running. I guess this is my attempt to stop running, face the wounds and plant some roots- or at least let the roots that are already there spread a little and grow.

I know it sounds silly, but one of the reasons why I haven't moved home since college is b/c when people did, it seems they always got married and I am afraid of that. More than that- I feel like by staying put while still young, I am compromising something. But I think that by examining what it means to be a woman being used by God at this age and determining where, outside of single groups, women fit in the church will help me to become solid and steady and, hopefully work thru the desire to keep moving.

...I loved being invested in a church where my talents had use and where I could use them all. I know that was the hardest part for me when I moved away for college and I just never found a place where I could invest because everything since then has been temporary- everything but a few relationships. I feel like without my roots, I just slowly disintegrated.

***********************************************************************************
Hopefully this will help you understand why I'm moving.

You are NOT a TV.

2007-06-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

I woke up thinking about THIS...
We are not entertainment for one another.
I think in a TV culture we forget that rather quickly.
We meet up with people expecting them to entertain us, or, to entertain them rather than engage in genuine community.
To engage in the present moment means you're going to get dirty. Love is messy. Love is even sometimes BORING! (::gasp::)
So what do we do with that? How do we genuinely say, "Hi, brother/sister/PERSON! I am hear to love you. I am here to LISTEN. But don't feel pressured to entertain me."
I think it starts with embracing the silence in a room and the lulls in conversations instead of running away from them.
I think it really starts by looking them in the eye rather than spacing out.
I think it really REALLY means we start re-imagining how we perceive the word "entertainment" and finding the balance between authenticity, without the burden of overdoing it and delving into an intensity that is too hard to maintain.
I think that when we truly love each other, moment by moment, we will find joy.

Living in the Present Moment (Partial Repost)

2007-06-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

I am in the middle of a move, which means goodbye reality, hello every form of escape within my grasp. I'm not very good at detaching. Whether it's envisioning how to decorate my new space and make my artistic "mark", or nostalgically recalling (and sometimes regretting) the past and all these objects associated with memories, I am realizing how much bondage I am under. Seriously, do I need all these objects, these temporal things distracting me from embracing the joy of the present moment? I don't think so. And joy has been hard to find. Tears have been easier. I HATE the idea of moving. I LOVE being in the woods and are starting attach the "all-isms" you attach with a love you are moving away from- it was "always this way", I "never" did this, this "always" brought out this emotion... and, the most dangerous of them all, "I was THIS while I was here"...
Places, things, memories, imagination: these are not WHO I am. There is no place for love in an unreality.
I am reposting something I came across this morning that was a great re-focusing tool. I hope you will check it out:
http://www.ichoseyou.com/college.html

Here's a selection from it:

A sign outside a pub reads "Free beer tomorrow!" The next day the sign will be there. Do you remember hearing the phrase: "Time is flying!" Indeed, time passes relentlessly; some times we wish we had a remote control to stop or to fast-forward it.

The ancient Romans used to say: "Carpe diem", seize the day, meaning: "Don't waste it, enjoy it." In Renaissance Florence, late 1400's, a poem, loosely translated, went like this: "Oh how beautiful the time of youth is, and yet it runs away from us; he who wants to be happy, be happy because there may not be a tomorrow." "He who wants to be happy." is the refrain that goes through all the poem. Certainly this is not a Christian vision of life.

In the light of Sacred Scripture, time is seen in a quite different perspective.

In the New Testament there are numerous exhortations to live in the present: "So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mt 6,34); Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4,6); "Unload all your worries on to him, since he is looking after you (1 Pt 5,7).

...Christians in Europe who lived during World War II, when there were continual bombings and were not sure if they would be alive in the next moment, concentrated on the moment they had available at the present to love God and their neighbors.

Chiara Lubich was one of those Christians who experienced this reality when she wrote: "The Lord taught us to live the present moment in various ways. In the Gospel for instance, it is evident that we should live the present moment, because we are told to ask the Father for bread only for "this day". "Give us this day our daily bread" and we learn that "today has troubles enough of it own" (Mt. 6:34); and we are warned: "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God" (Lk. 9:62)." As a follower of Jesus Christ, we don't look back, rather with our hearts fixed in Eternity and our feet on the ground we look at this moment and we are challenged: " Your Kingdom come!"

In reading the lives of the Saints, Chiara realized that we could imitate them in the way they did the will of God in the present moment. Here is what some of them said: Catherine of Siena: "The fatigue of the past is no longer ours, because its time has gone; what is to come we do not possess, because we are not sure if its time will ever come."

Another saint from the third century was Anthony the abbot. His biography said: "He took no account of the time which had passed, but day by day, as if beginning his life as a monk for the first time, he made great efforts to advance, constantly repeating to himself Saint Paul's words: 'I forget the past and strain ahead for what is still to come' (Phil. 3:13-14).

St. Therese' of the Little Flower is another expert on how to live the present moment. She said:
"Let's take advantage of every single moment of our suffering, let's us see each instant as if there were no other. An instant is a treasure…""My life is a flash of lightning, an hour that passes, a moment that fast escapes me and is gone. My God, you know that to love you on earth I have nothing but today." Do you love Jesus in the present moment or are you distracted and thinking that someday you are going to start loving Him? "Free beer tomorrow!"

The Ugly Side of Consumerism

2007-05-26T16:30:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday, my luggage was stolen in Mariposa by a woman named Pamela. She had a new gold Jeep that looked green, depending on the light, like aging copper. She had fastened long silver bubble wrap material rolled to the length of the vehicle.

She stole my bags, as they sat in front of an ATM machine video camera, while I walked across the street to get more stuff.

She honked and waved at me as I walked along the highway. That keeps eating away at me...

She opened my bags and threw my clothes all over her house.

She used my straightening iron and tried on my clothes.

She loaded a bag full of her stuff and put my Bible on top.

"The New Seeds of Contemplation" by Thomas Merton was less fortunate- she threw that in the washing machine next to a pair of child-sized soccer shoes.

Her four dogs used my clothes as beds, since her house had no furniture.

She drank down a small bottle of vodka I had carried with me since Cinco De Mayo. It was a purple Jimmy Hendrix bottle that was supposed to be the next big thing.

Later that day, Deputy Eric, who didn't even look twelve yet but had all the fight of an unbroken horse, received a call that someone was hitting their kid- someone with the same color Jeep.

She's in jail now, probably in my clothes.

The four sherrif's took pictures and documented the color of my underwear and where they were lying amoung her things, on the dog defecated floors, acting as furniture.

They found a bag of heroin and needles next to the sink where my straightner was still plugged in, where her hair had burned off gluing itself to the ceramic panels.

My yellow lace tank top was on the floor near the toilet. It seems she couldn't decide what to wear.

My roommate Beth said, "maybe if she hadn't drank the vodka, she never would have hit her kid and you never would have got your stuff back".

Yeah, maybe.

It's funny what we say to comfort each other.

I think the whole thing feels ugly, starting with me having too much stuff and needing to make two trips in order to cross the street.

It's strange what we do to be "beautiful".

For My Nephew...

2007-05-26T16:26:00.001-07:00

What Calvin Dreams"

Ink and Acrylic on Canvas

3' x 2'

Hey, it's worth at LEAST Eight Bucks!

2007-05-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

"Paper or Plastic? (how do you like your smiles?)"

Ink on Plexiglass and Paper

24 1/2" x 13 1/2"

*Comes with black pine custom frame courtesy of Colonial Woodrights.

My life doesn't seem that bad...

2007-05-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

I met a man today that looks like Mr. Roger's (the real one's dead).
His wife is kicking him out and he has to find a new place to live. He tells me a story about how his aunt died on the toothpick that holds together your sandwich.
His glasses were nearly surrounded in red and thin, easily breakable, like his smile.
He was trying to exert his presence to all in the room, but I knew he was really just crying out for help- flirting but really wanting to be held.
I know how he feels. I've been there.
He was long and thin, but fighting not to disappear completely. It seems like an exhausting fight. I want to tell him that in the end, we all disappear completely from this mess and we go it alone with no one but God.
But I don't want to break his glass heart.

The Prayer of St. Francis

2007-04-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here's one of those prayers that will change you simply by praying it:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

Brother Sun, Sister Moon

2007-04-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

As I sit here attempting to write my first research paper in five years on the late, great St. Francis of Assisi, I can't help but wonder:

1) Why am I a mediocre stain on the sleeve of humanity?

2) Why are artists never saints?

(It appears they may live artfully like St. Francis, but hey, he's Italian so I think he gets the whole flair for drama thing automatically thrown in. That and the Church can let something like the Nativity Scene pass. But note there are no St. Da Vinci's, St. Shakespeare's, St. Mozart's or St. Michaelangelo's apart from the latter in the Lutheran church... Message? It's ok for us to PAY you to make art, but we'll never actually let you up on OUR purgatory levels. Survey says? Boo. Boo to that!)

3) I want to be a saint.

I mean, I absolutely suck, but I still would like a shot at it. Of course, that goes back to the whole "I suck" part again. Maybe artists are too aware of their sin to stand up for becomming saints!

4) I'd say the whole saint thing is arguably bogus since it appears to be set up by the "approval" of the Church, but how do you refute the stigmata? Tricky. Very tricky.

5) Mostly, I just want the COMMUNION with God that these saints have. I'm not sure how saints lived these lives, and, even more foreign, is how Christ was able to live HIS perfect life.

Guess it's back to the paper... and back to #1.

New Favorite

2007-04-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

I found this book in a bookstore yesterday.

I think it's a really good idea...

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

He has no idea...

2007-04-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

I think these are the best surprises...

He'll love it- that is IF I can catch up with him in these dagnamit mountains before I move or he moves...

I loathe change.

I'm still deciding on the title.

Either "Jakey" or "When the Mirror Lies".

Mixed Medium on wood. Around 2'x2'. (I don't really feel like measuring.)

I guess I'll come out of my "cave" now and hang out with the real world. It gets kinda lonely in the cave and I get sick of myself- sick of my whining. But I have to stay in the "cave" til I figure out what I'm whining about...

This time? I think I'm scared to move. I know what it's like to be lonely here- in the same state as people who love you, know you, share your history. Nashville's an unknown lonely.

I've decided I'm pretty self-absorbed and demanding and I hate me this week. I'm scared I'll be left, which is pretty ironic when it's me doing the leaving- leaving LA, leaving friendships, leaving family, leaving pretty Yosemite nature- all in the name of Individualism. Or is it just that I have my identity wrapped up in other people and what they think of me that I am panicking about what will I do when they are gone?

I hope I go through this for a higher calling. I saw "Amazing Grace" last night and it confirmed the loneliness in the calling. The Bible talks a lot about persecution but I think that modern day persecution looks a little bit more like missing your friends and ex-lovers. Of course the worst is when you miss "them" (or what you have created these to be in your mind) when you are standing right in front of the actual them. Mostly, I feel screwed up and little on the melancholy side. It's easy for me to give people lots of room for grace- for me, I fear it's the standard of perfection, or I doom myself to the simple label of "lame".

The most important thing when coming out of the "cave" is to find balance again.

Where are you, Balance?

I feel safer with a paint brush...